Hansel and Gretal Retold (A.K.A. Maybourne's Revenge)

Hansel and Gretal Retold
(A.K.A. Maybourne's Revenge)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By Annere
Email: annere15@hotmail.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fairytale, SG1 and Maybourne with ABSOLUTE POWER!!! Rated G, leaning to PG for mild language. Contains no spoilers.

Archive: Stargatefan, Heliopolis, Suzie Bagley's site. Any other, please ask cos I'd like to know where it is! Thanks.

Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. I'm not making any money from this. Please don't sue.

Author's Notes: I know, the fairytale idea is not original but I don't think H&G been done yet. This is my first attempt at fanfic and was written at midnight which hopefully explains the weirdness. Feedback and constructive criticism are Really Welcome, flames are used for cooking to save on the gas. Story beta'n to death by family members so I don't think there are too many mistakes. Thanks family! Any mistakes there are left are my fault. Sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hansel and Gretal Retold
(A.K.A. Maybourne's Revenge)

Characters:

Narrator- Maybourne
Gretal- Carter (G)
First Wife- Hathor
Hansel- Daniel (H)
Second Wife- Kinsey (Sm)
Witch- Hathor (W/M)
*Bluebird 1- Jack (Bl 1)
Woodcutter-Apophis (F)
Bluebird 2- Teal'c (Bl 2)
And: 'Guy In Red Shirt' as himself.

*(Bluebirds are traditional!)

<Scene: Gateroom done up as cutaway of tiny cottage leading out to a (very small) Dark Forest. Enter Daniel and Jack in costume.>

Daniel: (H) Hey, I thought I was the Narrator! Why have I been changed to Hansel?

Jack: (Bl 1) Shut up Hansel! At least your only lines aren't "Tweet Tweet"!

Daniel: (H) Good point. <pauses> Swap?

Jack: (Bl 1) Nah, the long wig and clogs wouldn't suit me anyway.

<Enter CARTER in costume.>

Carter: (G) Arghh! Damn pigtails! Right, when I find out whose idea this was, they're in for it!

<Cue voice from above.>

Narrator: (M) Hah hah hah hah hah! Mine!

All: Maybourne?!

Narrator: (M) I put you there and I can do whatever I want!

<evil cackle to fade>

Guy in red shirt: Uh oh.

<SG1, HATHOR, and APOPHIS all appear onstage in costume.>

Jack: (Bl 1) Good grief, what's he doing here!

Daniel: (H) I don't know about father-figure- wicked witch might be better!

Carter: (G) Witch already taken. But if it comes to that, why are any of us here?

Apophis: (Fa) Puny Taur'i! Once I am out of this foolish costume I will crush you like bugs!

Jack: (Bl 1) So speaks the snake.

Narrator: I hope you are playing nicely now, children!

All: "!"

Narrator: Shut up. Let the story begin. Once upon a time there was a family living in the forest- a Woodcutter:

Apophis: (F) I am a poor woodcutter making a living for ...

<stops, shocked at his unintentional words as everyone stares at him...them...whatever>

Narrator: Very good. His wife:

Hathor: (M/W) <!>

Narrator: Women never get much to say. Anyway, you're only temporary.

Hathor: I protest to this treatment!

<blows out her mind controlling powder stuff- no effect->

All (relieved): <!>

Narrator (hurriedly): Something dire but unfortunately unnamed happened to her and she left her bereft husband with two brats.

Carter/Daniel: Hey!

<HATHOR vanishes. Long pause.>

Narrator: I can't say she got eaten by a wolf- this is supposed to be a kid's story.

Jack: (Bl 1) PG15 by the time you're finished I'll bet.

Narrator: Shut up, Birdie!

Jack: Tweet?! Tweet!!!

Narrator: Exactly. The woodcutter marries again... <quick blast of "Wedding March"> - A beautiful but jealous woman called...uh...SENATOR KINSEY???!

<Enter Kinsey in shock and costume.>

Kinsey: (Sm) <!>

Narrator: ...who hatched an evil plot against those pests of children, sensible woman. She said to her husband:

Kinsey: Shouldn't we teach the bra... eh, children how to survive in the forest, de...dea...d..d...Arghh!

<KINSEY explodes on having to say the word 'dearest' and vanishes. Even longer pause.>

Narrator: Ooookey- skip to Scene III- the witch's cottage II, Bill.

'Bill': Righto!

Hathor: Hee Hee Hee!

Carter: Oh Witch, Oh Witch! You tell me to make the oven hot but how will I know?

Hathor: When it is hot enough to cook your brother in, foolish child!

Daniel: Hey!

Narrator: Hansel!

Daniel (sarcastically): Eek. A mouse!

Narrator: Shut up and play your part! I am the All Powerful Narrator and you have no choice but to obey me!

All: Yes Oh Mas... Hey!!

<NARRATOR reasserts fairybook control over characters>

Carter: And when shall I know this, Oh Great One?

Hathor: I don't care how hot it is! I am going to eat you now! <throws GRETAL (C) into pot also and for good measure chucks in the two innocent BLUEBIRDS that just happened to be there and the GUY IN RED SHIRT who is just unlucky>

Teal'c: I do not believe this is part of the story, O'Neill.

Both: Tweeet!! Tweet-twitter-Eek!

Narrator: The Evil Witch throw the pot in the oven and slams the door. The FATHER, MOTHER, STEPMOTHER and WITCH all cheer:

Apophis: Haha, I have crushed the....

Narrator: Shut up, Apophis.

Hathor: Yippeeee!!!!

Kinsey: Hurray!! Whoo- Hoo! <does little dance>

Narrator: And the rest of us live happily ever after without SG1's meddling. For once the bad guys win and...

<cue even bigger VOICE FROM THE CEILING interrupts>

E.B.V.F.T.C.: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE LOWLY NARRATOR!

Narrator: <!>

E.B.V.F.T.C: *Representative of The Prevention Of Overly- Creative Interpretaion of Fairy Tales. You have broken Law 109906, Section 7, Subsection F, Part LXVII,- YOU SHALL NOT KILL ANY MAIN CHARACTERS OR BLUEBIRDS UNLESS CLEARLY EVIL!!*

<SG1 and GUY IN RED SHIRT all reappear in normal clothing.>

RoPO-CIF: You must face the wrath of first your peers and then that of the council!!

<MAYBOURNE appears holding a microphone. All other characters in play advance on him with murderous expressions.>

Maybourne: Drat that 'happy- ending' rule! I will conquer the world next Tuesday instead! I....ah....Lets not over-react here...It was only a joke! Really! Calm down now! Can't we discuss thi...URK!

THE END

(Yes, Maybourne does reach a dire and unnamed fate here. It is entirely deserved though.)

Please send feedback to annere15@hotmail.com. Please!!

Go back to the Stargate Fan Fiction Page