There are additional quotes on each of the episode reviews.

Season 1

Children of the Gods

Hammond: "Me, I'm on my last tour. Time to start getting my thoughts together, maybe write a book. You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?"
O'Neill: "Ah, I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it." Neither Samuels nor Hammond laughs. "That's a joke, Sir. Most of my work the past ten years was classified."

Hammond: "Now what?"
O'Neill: "Now we wait. If Daniel's still around he'll know what the message means."
Samuels: "So what if the aliens get it?"
O'Neill: "Well, they could be blowing their noses right now."

O'Neill: "Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists."

O'Neill: "Captain?"
Carter: "Don't worry, Colonel. I won't let you down."
O'Neill: "Good. I was going to say ladies first."
Carter: "You know, you really will like me when you get to know me."
O'Neill: "Oh, I adore you already, Captain."

O'Neill: "Moonshine."
Skaara: "Moon...shine?"
O'Neill: "Yeah. Moonshine, as in booze. Daniel, what are you teaching these kids?" Daniel gives him an innocent glance.
Skaara: "Try it."
O'Neill: "Alright." He smells it, then "Moonshine. Shocker." He takes a sip, then spits it out. "WHOA!" Everyone laughs. "Smooth. Very smooth."
Skaara: "Moonshine!"
Kawalsky: "Our little soldiers are all grown up, Colonel."
O'Neill: "I'm so proud."

Daniel: "Well, the cartouches seem to be separated clearly into groupings, each grouping is attached to the others with a series of lines. And each grouping of glyphs contains seven symbols so you can see where this is going, of course."
O'Neill: "Tell us anyway."

O'Neill: "Daniel, for crying out loud, you've had one beer. Cheaper date than my wife was."
Daniel: "Yes, when am I going to meet your wife?"
O'Neill: "Oh. Probably, ah, uh, never." Daniel stares at him. "After I came back from Abydos the first time she'd already left."
Daniel: "I'm sorry."
O'Neill: "Yeah. So was I. I think in her heart she forgave me for what happened to our kid. She just...couldn't forget."
Daniel: "And what about you?"
O'Neill: "I'm the opposite. I'll never forgive myself. But sometimes I can forget. Sometimes."

O'Neill, as Daniel runs off to meet the Goa'uld monks: "Oh for crying out loud."
Daniel, to the monks: "Hi."
O'Neill: "The man has not changed."

O'Neill: "Welcome back to the land of the conscious."

O'Neill, to Teal'c who's walking around the wreckage: "Hey, come on!"
Teal'c: "I have no where to go."
O'Neill: "For this you can stay at my place. Let's go!"

Hammond, about Teal'c: "What's he doing here?"
O'Neill: "General Hammond. This is Teal'c. He helped us."
Hammond: "Do you know what he is?"
O'Neill: "Yes, Sir. I do. He's the man who saved our lives. And if you accept my recommendation, Sir, he'll join SG-1."

Daniel: "She's out there somewhere, Jack."
O'Neill: "I know. So's Skaara."
Daniel: "So what do we do?"
O'Neill: "We find them."

The Enemy Within

Kawalsky: "Man, those Goa'uld are persistent."
O'Neill: "I think we pissed them off."

O'Neill: "Well, there've got to be worse ways to go."
Daniel: "You don't think the Goa'uld are sending people through, do you?"
O'Neill, shrugging: "Would be like bugs on a windshield."

O'Neill: "What's the bad news, General?"
Hammond: "Not much for small talk, are you, Colonel?"
O'Neill: "How was your weekend? Get a little fishing in?"

O'Neill: "We tend to be afraid of things we don't know."

O'Neill: "Permission to barge in, Sir?"
Kennedy: "Colonel O'Neill. I was hoping to meet you. Your mission report from Chu'lac made for the most engrossing analysis of my career."
O'Neill: "Well, thanks. What was your favorite part?"

O'Neill: "That's 'Teal'c' with an apostrophe C. T-E-A-L-'-C. Teal'c."

O'Neill: "Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me."
Kawalsky: "We're friends."
O'Neill: "If you don't make it...can I have your stereo?"

O'Neill: "Apparently Kennedy's ethics are selective."

O'Neill: "So, because he wasn't born on this particular planet doesn't mean he has any rights anymore?"

Teal'c: "He was your friend."
O'Neill: "My friend died on the table."

Emancipation

Carter: " Look, ah, I will not wear this thing over my face. I do not care how much embroidery it has on it. And this dress, or whatever it's called, I mean I can't move, I can't walk..."
O'Neill: "I don't know. It...it kinda works for me. I..."

O'Neill: "The hell with culture. A member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act."
Daniel: "How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?"
O'Neill: "I practice."

Teal'c: "What will happen to Dr. Carter tonight if we wait?"
Leader: "Turgan will partake in his newest purchase."
O'Neill: "Oh, there's not a chance in hell."

O'Neill: "Oh, for crying out loud."

O'Neill, trying to coach Carter: "So when your back's up against the wall and there's no tomorrow, just take one day at a time and remember, the bigger they are...etcetera."

Aboul: "You will not stay for the wedding?"
O'Neill, mock sadness: "Ah, a six day wedding. You know, we really should get back."

The Broca Divide

O'Neill, about a planet Hammond is describing: "Let me guess. That's where we're going."
Hammond: "Very good, Colonel."
O'Neill: "Thank you, Sir. I pride myself on my deductive reasoning skills."

O'Neill: "Carter! Ah, sorry, I didn't know you were in here." She kisses him. "What the hell is going on?!"
Carter: "I want you." She kisses him again.
O'Neill, muffled: "Why? I didn't know! Carter, you're a little out of line." She pins him to the bench.
Carter: "Don't you want me?" Kisses him yet again.
O'Neill, muffled: "No, no, not like this! Carter, what's gotten into you?!" He flips her over and pins her to a locker. "I think it's about time you saw a doctor, Doctor."

Fraiser: "Most female low-level primates tend to choose their sexual partners according to who would give them the strongest offspring. The leaders of a pack or a tribe are usually the prime choice. You should be flattered."
O'Neill: "Oh yeah. I'm honored."

O'Neill: "Teal'c! Doc! Open the door! Teal'c!"
Teal'c: "Colonel O'Neill?"
O'Neill: "Lucy! I'm home!"
Teal'c: "I am not Lucy."
O'Neill: "I know that. It was a reference to an old T...never mind. Open the door."
Teal'c: "I will summon the doctor."
O'Neill: "No, no, come on, I'm fine. I'm back to being myself. Just open up."
Teal'c: "I cannot be certain you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as 'Lucy.'"
O'Neill: "Oh, for crying out loud, will you just open the door?"

O'Neill, to a primitive Daniel: "Daniel, you dog. Keep this up you'll have a girl on every planet."

Carter: "Ah, Sir?"
O'Neill: "Yeah."
Carter: "About my earlier behavior...I wasn't myself."
O'Neill: "Oh, Carter, I don't even remember your earlier behavior."
Carter: "You don't?"
O'Neill: "No, I was infected myself. Remember?"
Carter: "Right! Good, I'm glad."
O'Neill: "By the way. How's the wound?"
Carter: "Wound?"
O'Neill: "I understand you got stabbed in the stomach or something?"
Carter: "Oh, yeah, it was nothing. With any luck there won't even be a scar."
O'Neill: "Oh good, I was concerned."
Carter: "You were?"
O'Neill: "Sure. If it doesn't heal properly you'll never wear that sweet little tank top number again."

The First Commandment

Connor: "No, Sir."
O'Neill: "'No Sir'? Does it say Colonel anywhere on my uniform?"

O'Neill: "We're off to see the wizard."

O'Neill: "To Oz."

Teal'c: "Perimeter is established." He throws a rock and an annoying alarm sounds.
O'Neill: "Perfect. If any little rocks sneak up on us we'll have plenty of warning."

O'Neill, waking up Daniel: "Let's go. We've got company."
Daniel: "Are you sure?" A dart lands six inches from his head.
O'Neill: "Pretty sure."

Connor: "Kill me."
O'Neill: "Are you sure? I've come all this way."

O'Neill, to the guards who just caught him and Connor: "Hey, how're you doing? You know, we'd love to stick around but some brain-dead sycophant left my buddy out here to die. So we're out of here." Guard slaps him. "Ow."

Carter, to O'Neill as he's brought in, captured: "Colonel O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Captain. I see everything is working out just as we'd planned."

O'Neill: "We're not demons, for crying out loud."

O'Neill, holding a Bible: "Look, I'm no expert on this thing. But I generally remember one commandment, and I think it's the first."
Carter: "'I am the Lord your God and you shall take no other gods before me."
O'Neill: "Ok, it's not the first one. I'm talking about the no killing one. No matter what the reason, every time you break it you take one step closer to Hanson."

Cold Lazarus

O'Neill, to the surveillance camera in his holding cell: "C'mon, get me out of here. Tell ya what, let me put it nicely. Get me the hell out of here!"
Hammond: "If that isn't O'Neill, I want to know who the hell we're looking at." O'Neill throws a pillow at the camera.

O'Neill, to Carter after the energy crystal returns to normal: "What was that?" Carter shrugs. "Any ideas? Any theories? Explanations?...Anything?"

O'Neill?: "When my energy harmed you, I tried to heal you. But I did not understand your injury. So I looked into your mind. I saw the mind of a warrior. I feared it. As I feared those who destroyed my race. I tried to make you well, before my mistake was discovered, before the others returned and destroyed me. I understand now. Your deepest pain was not the physical injury I had caused. Your pain was from an empty part in your heart where Charlie once was. I thought if I could bring Charlie to you it would make you well. I did not understand his death meant he could no longer exist as flesh and blood. Death does not have the same meaning to us."
Real O'Neill: "Are you dying now?"
O'Neill?: "Yes. I could not bring Charlie to you."
Real O'Neill: "Charlie's gone."
O'Neill?: "No. He's in here." His hand reaches out and touches O'Neill's chest, then turns into Charlie.
Real O'Neill: "Charlie?"
Charlie: "You cannot change what happened that day, just as I cannot change the day that the Goa'uld destroyed my world. I'm showing you what of Charlie is still there, inside you."

Sara: "We were pretty great together, weren't we?"
O'Neill: "We were the greatest."

O'Neill: "Keep the lights on. I'll be back."

The Nox

O'Neill: "Cultures with advanced technology tend not to like to share it."
Secretary: "So. We're wasting our time."
O'Neill: "Would you interpret what I just said?"

O'Neill: "Wasn't I just...?"
Daniel: "Killed."
O'Neill: "Killed as in..."
Daniel: "Dead."
O'Neill: "Dead."
Carter: "Yeah, we know. We saw it happen. Same thing happened to us."
O'Neill: "Well, this is a surprise, then."

O'Neill, to the Nox: "Sorry to drop in on you like this but we were...dead."

O'Neill: "Ah. Fruit. Nothing like coming back from the dead to build an appetite."

Daniel: "I think they're a family."
O'Neill: "Of what?"

O'Neill, to the Nox boy who is clearly not understanding him: "Those things you found on us? Those, um, things you...took...from us. The big things? They're very dangerous, and..."

O'Neill, to Carter about the Nox boy: "No, we can't keep him."

O'Neill, about Shak'l: "Look, we're not in the assassination business. He's just bad. He's very..." Looks to Daniel for clarification.
Daniel: "Bad."
O'Neill: "Bad. We just wanted to take him back to our world and have a little chat with him about all the nasty..."
Daniel and O'Neill: "...bad..."
O'Neill: "...things he's been doing. We just didn't know about this force field deal."

Anteaus, to SG-1: "You must go."
O'Neill: "Right. Well...for now we'll just go over here."

Nefreyu: "Is that a weapon?"
O'Neill: "Yes, and you can't have it."

Brief Candle

O'Neill, to Daniel about delivering the baby: "You never cease to amaze me with all your talents."
Daniel: "Thank you. Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae."
O'Neill: "I thought you said it was Greek."
Daniel: "Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region."
O'Neill: "Where's that?"
Daniel: "Greece."
O'Neill: "Why do I do that?"

O'Neill: "Do things feel a little...off here?"
Daniel: "Are you crazy? It's paradise."
O'Neill: "Yeah, sure. Have an apple."

O'Neill, passing out: "From now on we stick to rations."

O'Neill, seeing a five-year Dan'el, born only days before: "Ok, that's not possible."
Woman: "Do you not have children who change and grow?"
O'Neill: "Well, yeah, sure we do. But not like that."

O'Neill: "So what did you find out? Come on, now, don't keep the elderly waiting. It's rude."

O'Neill, to Kynthia: "So, you like older men, do you?"

O'Neill, as Kynthia beats him at Tic-Tac-Toe: "Aw hell, I have to teach you a game I can win."
Kynthia: "It is good to see you smile. Tell me, will you live the rest of your days without making love?"
O'Neill: "Oh god, I hope not."

O'Neill: "Welcome back, kids. It's damn good to see you again. Don't worry. Aside from a little prostate problem we won't go into, it's not so bad."

Carter: "Without these little buggers in your system to maintain the changes you should return to normal within a week or two."
Kynthia: "That is wonderful news!"
O'Neill: "I don't know. I was kinda looking forward to a little shuffleboard with the fellas."

O'Neill: "I'll treasure every day of my life because of you."

Thor's Hammer

O'Neill: "Water. Give it enough time it'll bring down walls. Even walls just like that. So in a couple hundred years we'll be free."

Unas to Teal'c: "Kill the human."
O'Neill: "Excuse me?"

Teal'c: "The First One is dead."
O'Neill: "Yeah, well that's fine by me."

Teal'c about Unas: "It was dead."
O'Neill: "Ah. Good."
Teal'c: "I believe."
O'Neill: "You believe?"
Teal'c: "I am certain."
O'Neill: "Positive?"
Teal'c: "I am."
O'Neill: "Just a myth."
Teal'c: "A myth."
O'Neill: "Good."

O'Neill, hearing Unas howling in pain: "Okay, that's no myth."

Unas: "I could help you escape."
O'Neill: "A map would be nice." Shoots him.

Teal'c: "Are you considering the same tactic as I?"
O'Neill: "Teal'c, the cliché is 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' And the answer is yes."

O'Neill, to Teal'c: "You're a part of this family now."

The Torment of Tantalus

O'Neill: "Whole boxes of the material could be missing."
Daniel: "No, the Pentagon said this was everything."
O'Neill: "Oh please. The Pentagon has lost entire countries."

O'Neill, about Hammond: "He's a teddy bear."

O'Neill: "Daniel, before your head explodes, can I remind you that we have more important things to deal with right now?"

Carter: "Where's Daniel?"
O'Neill: "Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy."
Carter: "Really? What?"
O'Neill: "Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that."

O'Neill: "Alright, basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?"
Teal'c: "We have the Stargate. We need the Dial Home Device."
O'Neill: "Thank you, Teal'c."

O'Neill: "I'm obviously no scientist, but, ah...couldn't we use that Ben Franklin thing?"

Bloodlines

Bra'tac, moving next to Daniel: "And you? A warrior of great skill and cunning? I could snap you like kindling! How could you bring these hashock with you!"
O'Neill: "Hey, hey, hey! Who're you calling a hassock? What's a hassock?"

Bra'tac, about his age: "One hundred and thirty three."
O'Neill: "You must work out."

O'Neill, about religion on Earth: "Let's just say nobody believes in anyone with glowing eyes and a snake in his head."

O'Neill: "I serve at Stargate Command under a General Hammond."
Bra'tac: "So this Hammond is a...?"
O'Neill: "Just a man. A very good, a very...bald...man from Texas."

O'Neill: "Alright. Here's the plan."
Bra'tac: "You will do as I say."
O'Neill: "Right."

Bra'tac, after beating up a bunch of monks: "Not bad for a man of 133."
O'Neill: "Not bad at all."

Fire & Water

O'Neill: "Daniel Jackson made this place...happen. As a member of SG-1, he was our voice, our conscience. He was a very courageous man. He was a good man. For those of us lucky enough to know him, he was also a friend."

O'Neill: "So we're sitting around eating some kind of gourmet Abydonian cuisine. Daniel tells Sha're he's going to show us this cartouche thing but before we leave she stands up, plants a kiss on him that makes his face disappear for a day."

O'Neill: "Can we get this damn car out of here?!" He smashes the window with his hockey stick.
Hammond: "What's on your mind, Colonel?"
O'Neill: "Retirement, actually."
Hammond: "You don't mean that."
O'Neill: "I think I do."
Hammond: "Well, I can't let you do that at the moment. I've got an assignment for SG-1. Dr. Jackson's apartment needs to be closed by Stargate personnel. National Security issues aside, you're probably the closest thing he had to a family. It's not an order, it's a request."
O'Neill: "Yes, Sir."
Hammond: "Why don't you come join the others in the back."
O'Neill: "Yes, Sir."
Hammond: "You know that's my car, don't you?"
O'Neill: "You should get that window fixed."

Doctor: "I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis."
O'Neill: "Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff."

Daniel: "Ah, this, this is a long story."
Carter: "Yeah, I'll bet."
O'Neill: "Tell us about it over sushi."

Hathor

O'Neill: "Have you heard of her?"
Daniel: "Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music."
O'Neill: "Sex, drugs, and Rock 'N Roll?"

Hathor: "We are the mother of all pharaohs."
O'Neill: "Of course we are. General, why don't we call County Mental Health, see if we can find a nice rubber room for the lady?"

Hathor: "You, with the crown of marble."
O'Neill: "She might mean you, Sir."

O'Neill: "Do we really think anyone's going to believe that woman if she goes around blabbing about a 'Stargate?' I mean, I have a hard enough time believing that woman down on 73rd who walks around talking about these little devil people who live in her hair. Even though she could use a little conditioner."

O'Neill: "Is mental illness contagious?"

Hathor: "For you, we will forever hold a special place, here." She places his hand on her chest."
O'Neill: "Well, that's...very special. Thank you."

Carter: "Colonel?"
O'Neill: "Yeah."
Carter: "Do you mind if I have a look?"
O'Neill: "At what?"
Carter: "Um, let's just say you were wounded." She takes a look at his stomach, no more pretty 'x' on it. "Wow, it's a miracle."
O'Neill: "Crunches."

Carter: "She's guarded by our own men. We can't exactly go in shooting."
O'Neill: "We can with tranquilizer guns."
Carter: "Yeah, I thought of that, Sir, but there weren't any in the infirmary."
O'Neill: "This is the military, Captain. We always have more than we need. There's a supply in Lockup C."
Carter: "It would be nice if someone told me that."
O'Neill: "Your tax dollars at work."

Singularity

Daniel: "So what exactly are we going to see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black and it is a hole..."
O'Neill: "Well, it might be a black hole."
Daniel: "Ok, let me put that a different way...."
Carter: "No, Daniel, you're right. You can't actually see it. Not the singularity itself. It's so massive not even light can escape it. But during the eclipse we should be able to see matter spiraling towards it."
O'Neill: "Actually, it's called the Ecretian Disk."
Daniel: "Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like that...what did you just say?"
O'Neill: "It's just an astronomical term."
Carter: "You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?"
O'Neill, to Teal'c after Carter and Daniel have walked away: "Not initially."

O'Neill: "This is fun. Only eight hours to go. Sweet."
Teal'c: "I still do not understand this black hole."
O'Neill: "Well, a black hole is this really big thing. It's, um, well, basically it's a mass of...hole...out there."
Teal'c, not getting it: "I see."
O'Neill: "Yeah, and what happens is everything is sucked into it. Even light. That's why we can't see it." Teal'c is completely lost. "Just gets...sucked in."
Teal'c: "Thank you."
O'Neill: "Sure."

O'Neill: "It's showtime!"

O'Neill, to Teal'c, dialing home, as Nirrti's forces continue to fire at them: "Take your time, no hurry."

Cassandra: "What's that?"
O'Neill: "We have a rule here on Earth. Every kid has got to have a dog. This is a dog. And he's yours."

Cor-Ai

Daniel: "That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event."
O'Neill: "Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet."

Daniel: "Are you sure you're up to this?"
O'Neill: "Why? You don't think I am?"
Daniel: "Well, it's just that I've never actually heard you referred to as a diplomat. I think, um, antagonist was the word used."
O'Neill: "But I'm his commanding officer. It comes with the territory."

O'Neill: "Unbelievable."
Daniel: "It's actually rather Talmudic. Only he who was wrong can forgive."
O'Neill: "Will you can it?"

O'Neill: "Teal'c, there are a lot of things we do that we wish we could change and we sure as hell can't forget, but the whole concept of chain of command undermines the idea of free will. So as soldiers, we have to do some pretty awful stuff. But we're following orders like we were trained to. It doesn't make it easier, it certainly doesn't make it right. But it does put some of the responsibility on the guy giving those orders!"

O'Neill: "Teal'c, you're going back with us if I have to knock you out and carry you myself. Got it?"

O'Neill: "General Hammond. I have spent a lot of years in the service of my country. And I have been ordered to do some damn distasteful things. I will not allow them to execute my friend."

Carter: "Maybe Daniel broke him out."
O'Neill: "Keep those positive thoughts coming, Captain."

Enigma

Carter: "Temperature: Ground 1700° Fahrenheit, air seems to be in pockets ranging from 1500° to 200°."
O'Neill: "Sounds like L.A."

O'Neill about Colonel Kennedy's promotion: "Talk about failing upwards."

Solitudes

O'Neill, about the ice cave: "Unless they've redecorated the Gate Room, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

O'Neill: "Ice. Nice."

O'Neill: "I'll be damned if I'm going to die on some God forsaken block of ice a million miles from home."

Carter: "I don't think you should move."
O'Neill: "Probably not, but my butt's freezing to the ground."

O'Neill: "Ah. A little paint, a couple of windows, maybe a fireplace in the corner, it'll be just like home."

O'Neill: "I think I cracked a rib, too."
Carter: "Why didn't you say something?"
O'Neill: "I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it."

O'Neill: "Soup's on."
Carter: "Just a little more, I'm almost through."
O'Neill: "You don't want it to get cold."
Carter: "I didn't know you could cook."
O'Neill: "I can't. But my melted ice is to die for."

Carter, lying next to O'Neill for body heat and feeling something poking into her: "Sir?"
O'Neill: "It's my side arm, I swear."

Tin Man

O'Neill: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Colonel speaking. Welcome to P3X 989er where it is a balmy...room temperature. Fan it out." They walk around a bit, admiring the machinery. "Whoa. Well, the lights are on but there's nooobody home."

O'Neill: "Me. Colonel Jack O'Neill. Cumbaya."
Harlan: "Cumtraya."
O'Neill: "Whatever."

O'Neill: "Listen, we had some things when we got here, some weapons."
Harlan: "Oh, yes, very dangerous."
O'Neill: "Very. Can we have them back?"

Harlan: "Cumtraya!"
O'Neill: "Now, what is that, Cumtraya? Is that like aloha?"

Fraiser: "Colonel, how do you feel?"
O'Neill: "Never felt better in my life. It's got me a little worried actually."
Fraiser: "Well, this has got me a little worried. Listen."
O'Neill, listening to his heartbeat: "I don't hear anything. What, this is better...I'm dead?"

O'Neill: "Harlan, we want to go home."
Harlan: "Oh no no. You must stay. You are friends. New friends."
O'Neill: "'Friends?' I don't even like you. Chances are I'll never like you."

Real O'Neill: "Listen, I'm not too happy about this either, you know."
Clone O'Neill: "You think you know how I feel?"
Real O'Neill: "Well, yeah. We're basically the same guy, aren't we?"
Clone O'Neill, turning his face so the Real O'Neill can see his wounded cheek: "Have a look."
Real O'Neill: "Ow. Sorry."
Clone O'Neill: "Yeah."
Real O'Neill: "So, um, what the hell happened here?"
Clone O'Neill: "Somebody stole my life. That's what happened."
Real O'Neill: "You talking about my life?"
Clone O'Neill: "Hey! I've got every right to it that you do. I was kinda hoping I could figure out a way to undo all this, get myself back in my body...where I belong."
Real O'Neill: "Well, it's occupied."
Clone O'Neill: "I noticed that. What does that make me?" The Real O'Neill just stares at him. "What do you want?"
Real O'Neill: "Well, they're all debating the meaning of life out there. Both Daniels think this is all fascinating, the Carters are arguing already. Teal'c feels left out. You and I've got a few things to talk about."
Clone O'Neill: "I'm not going to give you a hard time about who gets to go back, if that's what you mean."
Real O'Neill: "Well, thank you."
Clone O'Neill: "It has nothing to do with generosity, believe me. I can't go back. If I could it might be a different story altogether."
Real O'Neill: "Yeah, well, there is a little issue of security. You know everything I know about Earth. Codes, defenses..."
Clone O'Neill: "We'll bury the Gate, don't worry. And don't even think about sending a bomb to make sure."
Real O'Neill: "I wasn't."
Clone O'Neill: "Yes, you were. I know you."
Real O'Neill: "Alright, alright. You have my word, Colonel."
Clone O'Neill: "Call me Jack."
Harlan's voice from the distance: "Colonel O'Neill?"
Real and Clone O'Neill: "Oh for crying out loud..."

Clone O'Neill: "Harlan, people are not supposed to live forever."

Real O'Neill: "So don't forget to bury the Gate once we're gone."
Clone O'Neill: "Like that's something I'd forget."
Real O'Neill: "Well..." he shakes the clone's hand, then motioning to the clone's injury "See ya. And, ah...you should have that look looked at. It's...wooo."
Clone O'Neill: "Have a good life."
Real O'Neill: "See ya."

There But For the Grace of God

Alternate O'Neill: "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You want us to give up what might be our last chance to strike back at the Goa'uld so we can save ourselves in a what...what?"
Alternate Carter: "Alternate reality."
Daniel: "Not just yourselves, everyone on Earth."
Alternate O'Neill: "Your Earth."
Daniel: "The Jack O'Neill that I know would do it."
Alternate O'Neill: "Well apparently you and I have never met."

Politics

O'Neill: "And you were there and you were there and there's no place like home."

Carter: "Daniel, it's not that we don't believe you..."
Daniel: "So you do?"
O'Neill: "No, it's just that...we don't believe you."

Carter: "Alright, Daniel, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?"
Daniel: "Yes. Ah, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth. I wasn't even part of the program. You and Jack were engaged to be married..."
O'Neill: "Excuse me?"
Carter: "What? Ok, uh, even if you did actually experience this alternate reality, doesn't the fact that there were differences mean that we won't face the same fate?"
Daniel: "Yes, but the defining event, the death of Ra, took place on both worlds."
Teal'c: "An attack of retribution."
Daniel: "Yes. And the same thing is going to happen here unless we stop it."
O'Neill: "Alright, wait a minute. Let me...let me get something straight. Engaged?"

O'Neill, to Samuels: "You'll always be Sparky to me."

Hammond: "It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here."
O'Neill: "How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...?"
Hammond: "This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel."
O'Neill: "Car wash?"

O'Neill: "Well, he's late."
Teal'c: "You seem more apprehensive of this hearing than you do of battle."
O'Neill: "I prefer battle, actually."

Kinsey: "I must admit that I find the very idea of this facility, of this command, offensive. It is far too dangerous to be this secretive. I have found several examples where you have diverted tragedy on a global scale by the skin of your teeth and virtually none where you have brought back anything of worth. However, since I have on occasion been wrong before, the President of the United States has asked me to hear you out. So here I am."
O'Neill: "Well, as long as you've got an open mind..."

Within the Serpent's Grasp

Daniel: "Okay! Well, don't you think we should see if we can stop the same slaughter from happening here? Let me as you something, Jack. If we don't go through now and the Goa'uld do attack later, how are you going to feel?"
Carter: "How are just the four of us going to stop the attack anyway? Even if we do go through."
Daniel: "Well, we'd have a much better chance now than we would trying to stop an overwhelming onslaught later. Trust me, I have seen it."
Teal'c: "If the coordinates are for a Goa'uld world which is not on the Abydos cartouche, the Goa'uld will most likely not expect us. I believe a medical attack could be successful."
O'Neill: "Surgical attack, Teal'c. It's called a surgical attack and I'd feel like an idiot."
Carter: "Sir?"
O'Neill: "I was answering Daniel's question. If we don't do something now and they do attack later I'd feel like an idiot. We go."

O'Neill, upon seeing the zat guns for the very first time: "Cool."

O'Neill, once again about the zat guns: "Sweet."

O'Neill, seeing the serpent guards: "I always get a happy tingly feeling when I see those guys."

O'Neill, hearing that the Great Big Flying Ball is a really advanced form of a TV: "Think it gets Showtime?"

Daniel: "A sarcophagus."
O'Neill: "Oh great. More snake heads."

O'Neill, being cornered by a Jaffa: "Hey! How're ya doing? Ah, seen a bathroom around here?"

O'Neill: "Ok. One shot hurts him, two shots killed him. The third shot...?"
Teal'c: "Disintegrates him."
O'Neill: "Oh, great! You didn't feel this was worthy of mention, I take it."

Klorel: "You dare to do this to Klorel? You will die a painful death."
O'Neill: "Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

Teal'c: "O'Neill, prepare yourself for..." there's a really big lurch on the ship, and O'Neill goes flying against the wall "...extreme deceleration."
O'Neill: "Yeah, thanks, Teal'c."

Season 2

The Serpent's Lair

O'Neill: "Then I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound.... Nothing comes to mind. Let's do it."

O'Neill: "How many in your wing?"
Bra'tac: "Three."
O'Neill: "Three?"
Bra'tac: "Teal'c makes four."
O'Neill: "Oh, well, four."

O'Neill: "Alright, here's what we do..."
Bra'tac: "I will lead. You will follow."
O'Neill: "Right."

O'Neill: "I think what the Captain is asking is what now?"
Bra'tac: "Now we die."
O'Neill: "Well, that's a bad plan."

Bra'tac: "Human. Put this on."
O'Neill: "Will you please stop calling me 'human?'"

O'Neill, giving Daniel a huge hug: "Space monkey. Yeah!"

In the Line of Duty

O'Neill: "We're all going to live...or we're all going to die right here."

Teal'c: "Colonel O'Neill. When you speak to her, do not see your friend."
O'Neill: "How do you do that?"

Prisoners

O'Neill: "Alright, kids, we're due back. Unless you can tell me you've discovered something earth shattering I'm ready to bag this one."
Daniel: "We practically just got here. We have no idea what this planet has to offer."
O'Neill: "Trees and moss."

O'Neill, upon seeing their prison: "Well, this sucks."

O'Neill: "Teal'c, look scary and take point."

O'Neill, as they're cut off from Teal'c: "Uh...we're with him."

O'Neill: "Oh, Daniel. You've got to trust me on this." He takes off Daniel's glasses. "Signs of weakness are not a good thing in prison."

O'Neill, seeing Vishnor run away: "Well, Teal'c, making friends, are you?"

O'Neill: "I'm just going to assume you've never been in prison before."
Daniel: "Oh, right, and you have?"
O'Neill: "Oh, yeah."

O'Neill: "Oh, for crying out loud."

O'Neill: "Well, you actually won a fight, Danny Boy."

O'Neill: "Linea, do they send food...and I'll use that term loosely, does it come through the gate on a regular basis?"

O'Neill, debriefing their adventure: "Of course, that was about the time Daniel picked a fight with this strong...smelly guy. He actually won."

The Gamekeeper

Carter: "This is beautiful."
O'Neill: "But where there's a garden, there's snakes."

Carter: "I like what they've done with the place."
O'Neill, seeing one of the natives in the VR machine: "I'm not sure I like what the place has done to them."

Daniel: "Wait a minute, wait a minute. How long have your residents been in this virtual world?"
Keeper: "Roughly 1,000 of your years."
O'Neill: "Well, we're certainly not going to stick around for the next 1,000 of anyone's years."

Carter: "Does that seem just a little bit too easy?"
O'Neill: "Yes, it did. Now let's go home."

O'Neill: "Ok, General, without meaning, this time, to sound like a smartass, are you cracked?"

O'Neill: "Ok, that's enough. Let's just have a little look here, shall we?" He pushes Hammond's ear.
Hammond: "What are you doing, Colonel?"
O'Neill: "Oh, I'm looking for the edges of a mask!
Hammond: "What?"
O'Neill: "You're obviously not the real General Hammond."
Hammond: "Sit down, Colonel!"
O'Neill: "I don't think so, Bucko. The jig's up, we're onto you."
Hammond: "What are you talking about?"
Carter: "We're still on P7J 989."
O'Neill: "Oh, you betcha. This is just a new game, brought to you by our good friend..." he pats Hammond's head "...the Keeper."

Daniel: "Where are we going?"
O'Neill: "Back through the Gate to show them what their planet looks like..." Daniel stares at him expectantly, "...in our memories..." Daniel continues to stare at him, "...before the Virtual Reality... Leave me alone."

Need

O'Neill, as Daniel runs off again: "I wish he'd stop doing that."

O'Neill: "What were you thinking?"
Daniel: "I thought she'd be grateful."
O'Neill: "She was trying to kill herself!"
Jaffa: "On your knees."
O'Neill: "No, actually I've got this cartilage problem, little ACL thing..." The Jaffa hits him with his staff weapon. "That helps."

Carter: "Lately, I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c."
O'Neill: "Hey, who doesn't?"

O'Neill, after drinking a cup full of mud: "I've had worse."

O'Neill, to Daniel: "Well. It's surprisingly difficult to kill you, isn't it?"

O'Neill, seeing Daniel reclining lazily on a throne: "The man who would be king."
Daniel: "Hi Jack!!!" He jumps off his throne and climbs down. "Oh, Jack! Hi Jack!" He sits down and taps his feet together like a kid throughout the rest of their conversation.
O'Neill: "We're losing the battle down there, you know. Carter's started having Goa'uld flashbacks, says if you keep using the sarcophagus you're going Dark Side on us. If you haven't already."

O'Neill: "We had a nice time, Sir. Carter picked up some Naquada. Teal'c made some new friends as usual. Daniel got engaged. And, um, I'm gonna hit the showers."

Thor's Chariot

O'Neill: "Um, you all know I take great pride in my title as Mr. Positive. However, we did destroy their de-Goa'ulding thing. Might not they look unkindly on that?"

O'Neill: "General, if we did screw up their world, we should take a little responsibility for fixing it, don't you think?"

Teal'c: "These probably guard the Goa'uld Heru-Ur."
O'Neill: "And he'd be Ra's what? Cousin? Uncle? What?"
Teal'c: "He is the son of Ra. And of Hathor."
O'Neill: "Nice pedigree."

O'Neill: "Daniel, there's a time and a place for mythology."

O'Neill: "Daniel, you look suspiciously empty-handed."
Daniel: "...yer, yeah..."
O'Neill: "Yeh yeh yeah, what?!"
Daniel: "There's nothing, Jack."
O'Neill: "Nothing."
Carter: "We did meet the real Thor."
O'Neill: "Did you, now? Nice fella?"

Message In a Bottle

Carter: "This is incredible. If Daniel is right this artifact has been doing this since Neanderthals were still a dominant species on Earth."
O'Neill: "Ah, that takes me back."

Hammond: "Did everything go as planned, Colonel?"
O'Neill: "Oh, one small step, one giant leap, that kinda stuff, Sir."

O'Neill: "Good morning, Campers! Sleep well? I did."
Daniel: "Oh, it can't be morning!"
O'Neill: "Ah, but it is! We ship out at..." he looks at his watch "Oh! Thirteen hundred hours." Carter stares at him in disbelief.
Daniel: "Ok, Jack, talk to General Hammond."
O'Neill: "Nope. I want you both rested and ready to go. That's an order."
Carter: "Yes, Sir."
Daniel: "Jack, come on."
O'Neill: "Daniel. SG-1 is a field unit. You know that. Can't have it both ways. When we get back you can..." he makes some cute hand motions "...visit."

Family

Hammond: "There's no one scheduled to return today. Did you get an iris code?"
Female Technician: "Yes, Sir, we did. From SG-1." The camera closes up on each of SG-1...in the control room.
O'Neill: "Hi. How are ya."

O'Neill: "If we can pull this off, Sir, we can grab Teal'c's son and nail this mother..." he catches himself "...Goa'uld in one sweep."

Fro'tac: "I am Fro'tac of the high cliffs."
O'Neill: "Jack, of the windy city.

O'Neill, to Teal'c upon hearing that there's a 1,000,000 sheshka bounty on his head: "Well, you've got a price on your head, you're doing your job."

O'Neill, wearing a serpent guard uniform: "No wonder these guys are always cranky. Let me out of this thing."

Secrets

Teal'c: "Daniel Jackson assures me the Abydonians are a peaceful people."
O'Neill: "They're a great people, are you kidding? In fact..." he turns to Carter "what do you say you and I blow off this medal ceremony thing and go with the boys?"

O'Neill: "Alright, if you're going to go ahead with it, I want to make sure you get one thing right. It's 'O'Neill' with two 'L's' There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one 'L'--he has no sense of humor at all."

O'Neill: "Someone explain to me what just happened."
Teal'c: "It is a lengthy tale, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Long story, Teal'c."

Carter: "Good think you remembered the shield's deflection capability is directly proportional to the amount of kinetic energy directed at it."
O'Neill: "Right."

Bane

O'Neill: "Witness, if you will. A ghost town."

O'Neill: "He saved your smarmy ass and everyone else on this planet. Does that count for anything in your world?"
Mayborne: "Absolutely. And I am thrilled to get the chance to thank him personally."
O'Neill: "General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man."

Mayborne: "Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial."
O'Neill: "Oh, I'm not going to strike you, Mayborne. I'm going to shoot you."

O'Neill: "Pack your bug spray, Kids."

O'Neill, about the dying Goa'uld: "It's too bad you can't zap it with those paddles, like they do on 'ER.' That guy that's all....what?"
Carter: "It couldn't be that simple."
Fraiser: "De-fibbing would kill it."
Carter: "But we've done our best to synthesize almost every environmental condition the Goa'uld larva had inside Teal'c's pouch."
O'Neill: "What?"
Carter: "Nutrition, temperature...."
Fraiser: "Except electrical current."
Carter: "And there is a very small constant electrical charge flowing through all our bodies. The Goa'uld may need that."
Fraiser: "Ok, so then all we need is a small enough power source."
O'Neill: "What?"

Fraiser, about the Goa'uld larva: "It's getting better."
Carter: "It was so simple."
O'Neill: "Well, I guess my work here is done."

Teal'c: "O'Neill?"
O'Neill: "Yeah. It's me."
Teal'c: "Kill me."
O'Neill: "Ah, no."
Teal'c: "The change cannot be stopped."
O'Neill: "I won't lie to you. You don't look so good. But you're going to make it. You're gonna be ok."

Hammond: "Mayborne has ordered the insect specimen and all related research transferred to the Area 51 facility."
O'Neill: "I should've shot him."

Tok'ra Part 1

O'Neill, coming through the Stargate and seeing a bunch of...sand: "Ah, where's that yellow brick road when you need it, eh Dorothy?"
Carter: "Some dunes over there."
O'Neill: "Dunes it is."

Cordesh, about the standoff between the Tok'ra and SG-1: "I think we will have the advantage. There are more of us."
O'Neill: "This is true."

O'Neill, about their standoff which is still going on: "You know, in some galaxies, this is called 'loitering.'"

O'Neill: "Assuming, of course, you are the Tok'ra."
Cordesh: "And if we're not?"
O'Neill: "Well, I guess we all start shooting. There's blood, death, hard feelings. It'd suck."

O'Neill, smiling as the standoff comes to an end: "Now that's better, isn't it? So. Take me to your leader."

Cordesh: "And why should we trust you?"
O'Neill: "You know something? I've been asking myself the same damn question. Why should we trust you? You are, after all, Goa'uld."
Daniel: "Jack..."
O'Neill, lifting his finger to silence Daniel: "Ack! Don't. We've done nothing but get interrogated here. Now, are we prisoners and are you Goa'uld?"
Daniel, also lifting his finger: "Ja..." He stops himself."
O'Neill, with yet more finger motion: "Ah."
Garshaw: "You are not, and I have told you we are not Goa'uld." Her voice is definitely Goa'uldish and her eyes glow.
O'Neill: "Alright then...why do you talk like that? And what's with the glowing eyes, huh? Might it have something to do with a little reptilian activity in your heads?"

Martouf, after saying Selmak was going to die: "Unless one of you wishes to volunteer to serve as a host."
O'Neill: "I'm gonna pass on that."

O'Neill, to Martouf who's about to take Carter on a little walk: "Ok, Son. But I want you to have her back by 11 o'clock. You understand?"

Tok'ra Part 2

O'Neill: "So we are prisoners. You're looking like Goa'uld to me."

O'Neill: "The good news is there's eight of us now."
Daniel: "That's good news?"
O'Neill: "Yes. More manpower."
Teal'c: "Is this another of your strange jokes, O'Neill?"
O'Neill: "Ah, no."

Jacob: "So when the little fellow inside me's talkin', do I sound like she does?"
Teal'c: "That is correct."
Jacob: "Strange. I can feel myself talking, but it's not me saying the words. You know?"
O'Neill: "Don't know. Take your word for it."

Spirits

O'Neill: "Hi, Kids."
Carter: "We're about ready to ship out, Sir. You going to be ok?"
O'Neill: "I'm not dead, Captain. Just grounded for a few days."
Carter: "You know, if the bullet-proof glass hadn't slowed it down...."
O'Neill: "Oh, please. Aliens are always poking me full of holes."

Hammond: "Obviously, we're started our relations on the wrong foot."
O'Neill: "But that's so rare, Sir."
Hammond: "Captain, as you are taking over command of SG-1 on this mission, my superiors have ordered me to remind you to be diplomatic."
Carter: "Yes, Sir."
O'Neill: "Just as I would be." Everyone exchanges glances at his comment.

O'Neill: "Is anyone at the Pentagon or along the chain of command remotely concerned about their aboriginal rights, repeating history, that annoyingly pesky moral stuff?"

Carter: "Why the Code 9?"
O'Neill: "Well, brace yourself. SG-11 is boppin' around, waving their arms, making our people disappear."

O'Neill: "How do I know you're really Daniel?"
Daniel: "...Because."
O'Neill: "Yeah, ok."

Touchstone

Hammond, about the Touchstone: "Do we have any idea what makes it tick?"
O'Neill: "That's why we'd like to go back, Sir. Carter wants to get a closer look with some of her specialized...doohickeys."
Hammond: "Doohickeys?"
O'Neill: "I believe that's the technical term, Sir."

O'Neill, as the Medronian people prepare to attack them: "Hold it! Alright, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one..." he pauses, "...piece."

Lemour: "We are a simple people, Colonel. We have no means to protect ourselves from this disaster. If my uncle decides to trust you this day, our entire future will depend on that decision."
O'Neill: "Ok, that's a little pressure. But we can handle that."

O'Neill, about timing the second Stargate's energy burst with the first's: "Kinda like shooting off a gun when a train's going by." Everyone stares at him blankly. "To hide the sound."

Carter: "Bear with me."
O'Neill: "Bearing...."

Carter: "Now, if we can't track the Touchstone, there may still be a way that we can track the second gate on Earth."
O'Neill: "Oh, sure. Let's just put out an APB for a huge, honkin' two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it."

A Matter of Time

O'Neill: "Look, I know I should know this by now. I swear it'll be the last time I ask. But these wormholes we go through, they're not always there, right?"
Carter: "No, Sir, they can only form between two open gates."
O'Neill: "What's with the 'worm' part? The worm thing? I...I don't get that."
Carter: "Um, that's just a metaphor."
O'Neill: "Alright, I knew that."
Carter: "Imagine the galaxy is an apple. We burrow our way through the apple like a worm, crossing from one side to another instead of going around the outside."
O'Neill does some heavy thinking...still thinking... Carter stares at him waiting for some sign of understanding from him. Finally, he responds: "Okay."
Carter: "Now, of course, the diameter of the apple is just a two-dimensional representation of space-time and, well, the hole isn't really a hole per se but an incremental conduit..." She cuts herself off, realizing O'Neill is starting to tune her out. "Colonel?"
O'Neill: "Okay." He makes some cute finger gestures. "I'll be alright."

O'Neill, feeling a mini-earthquake thing pass through the control room: "Carter?"
Carter: "Gravity waves. Colonel, I assumed that the wormhole itself would isolate us from the black hole's gravitational field but it seems that our space-time has begun to warp, just like on P3W 451."
O'Neill: "Will you stop that!"
Carter: "We're in trouble, Sir."
O'Neill: "Thank you. Think of something."

Cromwell: "What's the problem?"
O'Neill: "Well, we gated to a planet that's being sucked up by a black hole. Very bad. Very dangerous."
Cromwell: "Why is that?"
O'Neill: "Things tend to get sucked in."

O'Neill: "You just came from Washington, Sir?"
Hammond: "There and back again, after someone upstairs managed to explain what was going on to me. We called an all-night session with the Joint Chiefs. I've been gone nearly eighteen hours."
O'Neill: "I thought you were on the phone."

Cromwell, about yet another one of Carter's speeches: "Man, she is...."
O'Neill: "Way smarter than we are."

Cromwell: "Like old times, eh, Jack?"
O'Neill: "Oh yeah. Black holes, worm holes, old times."

O'Neill: "What day is it?"
Daniel: "Well, this might be a little difficult to accept, but since you reported for duty yesterday, two weeks have actually gone by."
O'Neill: "Two weeks. Think I'll sleep in."

The Fifth Race

O'Neill: "Well, this was an intergalactic waste of time."

Daniel, shouting to an empty room: "Helloo! Helloo! I'm Daniel Jackson. We're peaceful explorers from the planet Earth." O'Neill stares questioningly at him. "It's worth a try."
O'Neill: "Daniel, how long do you figure we ought to hang out here and scratch our cosmic heads?"

Teal'c: "Colonel O'Neill passed through a circle on the floor just before the device appeared. I was the first to look into it."
Hammond: "And what did you see?"
O'Neill, his voice mechanical: "Lights. He saw lights." There's a pause while everyone stares at him. "That's what he said he saw. Lights. We done?"
Hammond: "Not exactly. Why didn't the device react to Teal'c the same ways it did to you?"
O'Neill: "I don't know."
Teal'c: "Perhaps because I am a Jaffa."
Carter: "We've seen alien technologies that have been sensitive to the presence of a Goa'uld before. Like Thor's Hammer."
O'Neill, agitated: "Teal'c looked. I looked. It grabbed my head, I passed out, I came to, we're here, we're home, can we go?"
Carter: "Sir? Are you okay?"
O'Neill: "I'm fine. Just fine. A little tired maybe."
Hammond: "Colonel? Are you sure you're okay?"
O'Neill: "I am absolutely fine. There is nothing cruvus with me." Everyone stares at him some more. "What?"
Daniel: "You just said there's nothing cruvus with you."
O'Neill: "I did not."
Daniel: "Yes, you did."
O'Neill: "No I didn't."
Daniel: "Yes, you did."
O'Neill: "Didn't."
Daniel: "Did."
O'Neill: "Didn't."
Daniel: "Did."
O'Neill: "Cruvus? What is that?"

Teal'c, looking at the boxing gloves: "What is the reason for these padded gloves, O'Neill?"
O'Neill: "So we don't hurt each other. I'll be honest with you, Teal'c, it's so you don't hurt me."
Teal'c: "If our purpose is to not cause each other harm, why then are we doing battle?"
O'Neill: "What can I tell ya, it's boxing. It's fun. Come on." He jumps around a bit. "Come on, Teal'c, you gotta move around a bit. You gotta dance."
Teal'c: "I do not understand, O'Neill. Are we preparing to dance or to do battle?"
O'Neill: "Teal'c, if you don't move around, you're a sitting duck. You're a target." He hits him in the stomach. "Ah, like that." Teal'c looks down where O'Neill hit him. O'Neill is concerned. "I'm sorry. Are you alright?"
Teal'c: "I am fine."
O'Neill: "Well, that's why you gotta move around." Teal'c smacks him on the head and he falls to the floor.
Teal'c: "How was that, O'Neill?"
O'Neill, standing and feeling his face: "It was good. It was good. But think about keeping your hands up. Is my nose bleeding?"

O'Neill, barging into Daniel's office: "Alright, what the hell is going on with me?"
Daniel: "What do you mean?"
O'Neill: "Well, apparently I've lost the falatis to speak properly! That wasn't a joke. I didn't do that on purpose."

O'Neill, looking at the image of the circle of symbols on the computer screen: "Nu ani aquinatus."
Daniel: "What?"
O'Neill: "Nu ani aquinatus, ic quabi de un...."
Daniel: "Jack, are you reading this?"
O'Neill: "I don't know, you tell me!"
Daniel: "Well, I don't know. I haven't even been able to associate sounds to the symbols." O'Neill is rubbing his eyes with his hand. "Do you know what this means?"
O'Neill: "No! I mean, I'm just looking at it and the words pop right into my fron! Does anybody think this is odd?!"

O'Neill, to Fraiser and Daniel in writing as he's drawing some stuff on a sheet of paper: "Shut up and go away."

O'Neill: "You're the Asgard. Thor's race. Right?"
Asgard #1: "You have heard of us."
O'Neill: "Nothing but good things."

Asgard #1: "We have studied your race closely."
O'Neill: "Ah." He shrugs. "What did you learn?"
Asgard #2: "That your species has great potential."
O'Neill: "Great potential. That's good."
Asgard #1: "Understand this. There was once an alliance of four great races in the galaxy. The Asgard, the Nox..."
O'Neill: "Met them."
Asgard #1: "...the Furlings..."
O'Neill: "Don't know them..."
Asgard #1: "...and the Ancients, the builders of the Stargates."
O'Neill: "That's a pretty heady group."

Serpent's Song

O'Neill, seeing the many death gliders approaching: "Oy. Alright, dial us up, get us outta here."

Apophis: "O'Neill. I am dying."
O'Neill: "My heart bleeds for you."
Apophis: "You lie poorly. It is you who have done this. You rejoice."
O'Neill: "Not really. What do you want?"
Apophis: "To live."
O'Neill: "I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem."

Apophis: "A single human life is worth so much you'd risk a world?"
O'Neill: "That's right. That's why they call us the good guys."

Holiday

Hammond: "How did it go, Colonel."
Teal'c (real Teal'c in O'Neill's body): "It did not go well, General Hammond."
O'Neill (real O'Neill in Teal'c's body): "Ya think?"

O'Neill in Teal'c, and looking into a mirror: "You don't look so good. I mean, I don't look so good."

O'Neill in Teal'c, after he's performed Kel-no-reem successfully: "Whoa. Sweet." He sees Teal'c standing in front of a sink. "Teal'c? What are you doing?"
Teal'c in O'Neill: "If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head."
O'Neill: "You're making a joke, right?"
Teal'c: "I am not joking."
O'Neill: "Teal'c, you will not shave my head!!!"
Teal'c: "It is presently my head, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Teal'c, this is temporary!"
Teal'c: "And if it is not?"
O'Neill: "Just give them a chance to find Daniel, okay? Teal'c, I'm going to see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head until I get back."

Carter: "Colonel?"
O'Neill, having just switched to being inside Daniel's body: "I'm here."
Carter: "How do you feel, physically?"
O'Neill: "Peachy."

O'Neill, back in his body: "Yes! Yes!" He walks over to Teal'c. "Shave my head?! De...."

One False Step

O'Neill, watching the UAV fly through the Stargate: "That never gets old. I love that."

Daniel, seeing O'Neill rearrange his gun: "You know, I thought the alien on the video looked fairly docile. More curious than harmful."
O'Neill: "I thought he looked bald, white, and naked."

O'Neill, to the aliens in the room with the sick aliens: "Ah, ah, ah, ah! Get back! Get back! Fine." they leave the hut. "Knock yourself out. Go ahead. Go play in the street. Don't forget your sunblock." He turns to Daniel. "Why aren't you helping me?"
Daniel: "Oh, it's no use, they don't understand. They want to be with each other."
O'Neill: "Well, we're not going to stand around doing nothing."
Daniel: "We're not doing nothing."
O'Neill: "You're videotaping a plant."
Daniel: "Well I think this might be important."
O'Neill: "Well I think you might be losing what's left of your mind."
Daniel: "What's that supposed to mean?"
O'Neill: "It means that on a good day you can be a little flaky."
Daniel: "And on a good day you can be a little ignorant and condescending."
O'Neill: "Not condescending. You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference of opinion on how to handle a crisis."
Daniel: "Oh, please, we have a difference of opinion on just about everything."
O'Neill: "Give me an example."
Daniel, stuttering at first: "I don't know, pick something! How about mythology?"
O'Neill: "Rumors, lies, fairy tales."
Daniel, jumping up and down and turning all around: "See see see see see see! Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!"
O'Neill: "Maybe it is! What does it have to do with filming a plant?!"
Daniel: "Exactly!"
O'Neill: "What does that mean?!"
Daniel: "I don't know!!!"
O'Neill, falling quiet. "Okay...what was that?"
Daniel: "I don't know. I don't feel so good."
O'Neill: "I've got a headache."
Daniel: "Maybe we're getting whatever they have."

O'Neill: "Listen, I, ah..."
Daniel: "No no, um, sorry, you were going to say."
O'Neill: "No, it's just that, ah, well...you know."
Daniel: "I know. I know. I know. You know that I...."
O'Neill: "I know. It's obvious there's...something...."
Daniel: "Something, something's wrong with us. Physically."
Fraiser: "Well, there's nothing wrong with you."
Daniel: "What?"
Fraiser: "Well, I've run every test I could short of exploratory brain surgery and you are both in perfect health."
O'Neill: "Huh."

Show and Tell

Charlie: "Mother says not to cry."
O'Neill: "Crying's okay."
Charlie: "She says the boys of your culture do not cry."
O'Neill: "Not true. In fact, there's an official list of reasons for which crying is a good thing."
Charlie: "Mother is leaving."
O'Neill: "Well, see that's a good reason. Mom leaving is, I believe, number six on the list of good reasons. Actually, six is Mom says she's leaving in a couple days, five is Mom leaving immediately. Four is Mom already left. Now three is huge, one of the bigger ones on the list."

1969

Carter: "I'm fairly certain that we've traveled back in time, roughly about thirty years. For a second or two, I think we were in both time frames simultaneously, which is why the Stargate seemed to be there one minute and was gone the next."
O'Neill: "Little bump in the calculations, Captain?"
Carter: "I'm sorry, Sir. I don't know what to say."
O'Neill: "Well, I tell ya what. Get us back home and we'll say it never happened."

Thornbird: "I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are?"
O'Neill: "Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise."
Thornbird: "And your dog tags say otherwise."
O'Neill: "They're lying."
Thornbird: "Your American accent is very impressive, Mr. Kirk. Before we ship you out and hand you over to wherever it is they take spies such as yourself, I wanted a word. Your little incursion into our training facility will leave an embarassing mark on my record."
O'Neill: "Training facility?"
Thornbird: "You don't think we'd test fire a real missile 28 floors inside a mountain, do you?"
O'Neill: "Listen, you don't have the exact date...?"
Thornbird: "What was the weapon you used?"
O'Neill: "Weapon?"
Thornbird: "Our cameras saw some sort of weapon."
O'Neill: "Oh. Well, it's hard to say."
Thornbird: "Some sort of state secret?"
O'Neill: "No. Just difficult to pronounce."
Thornbird: "Mister, my government doesn't take kindly to Soviet spies in its highest security facility. Neither do I."
O'Neill: "Oh. Bob...can I call you Bob?"
Thornbird: "Even though you achieve nothing."
O'Neill: "Unless that's exactly what we were trying to achieve."
Thornbird: "Kirk, you can talk to me or you can talk to the CIA."
O'Neill: "Ooh. Alright. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker."

O'Neill: "Listen, I don't know where we're headed but they'll probably try to split us up. So we're not going to have much time to..."
Carter: "Escape and hopefully live out the rest of our lives without affecting history."
O'Neill: "Or...?"
Carter: "I can't think of an 'or' at the moment, Sir."
Daniel: "No 'or'?"
O'Neill: "There's an 'or.'"
Daniel: "There's an 'or'?"
Carter: "You can't just will something to happen because you want it to be a certain way."
O'Neill: "Captain, where there's a will there's an or."

Daniel: "So what's the plan?"
O'Neill: "Find the Stargate."
Daniel: "Find the Stargate? That's...that's the plan?"
O'Neill: "Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?"

Jenny: "You said that you were in trouble with the Establishment."
O'Neill: "And...we are."
Daniel: "We are."
O'Neill: "Just...not the establishment of this planet. No, it's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago."
Daniel: "From a galaxy far, far away."

O'Neill: "Yes! We're home! Thanks to one sparky young Lieutenant Hammond."

Hammond: "Oh, by the way, Colonel, with interest you owe me $539.50."
O'Neill, all smiles: "Yes, Sir."

Out of Mind

O'Neill, opening a door only to find it blocked by a wall: "Damn cost cutting."

O'Neill, seeing Hathor: "Oh, I was so hoping never to see you again."

Hathor: "How do we contact the Asgard so that we might ally with their forces?"
O'Neill: "Try Roswell. Little place in New Mexico."

Season 3

Into the Fire

Hathor removes Snappy from Carter's face and holds him in front of O'Neill. Snappy becomes animated at this new option: "It seems our friend has chosen."
O'Neill, to the Goa'uld about his hair: "What, the gray doesn't bother you? Alright, fine. Let's do it. Just please, I beg of you, not in the back of the neck. I've got problems there...." He tries to grab the Goa'uld and kill it, and Dr. Raleigh shoots him and the Goa'uld with the zat gun.

Hathor, to Carter before zapping her with her hand weapon: "We had hopes for you." O'Neill attacks her from behind. "We will destroy you for this!"
O'Neill: "And we would just like you to go away!" He throws her into the cryogenics compartment.

O'Neill, newly defrosted: "Carter!"
Carter: "Sir."
O'Neill: "Oh, god." He hugs her. "Hathor's...gone."
Carter: "What about you?"
O'Neill: "Cold. I'm a little chilly. But I'm me. I'm me."

O'Neill: "Jaffa, kree!"
Trofsky: "Kel ma Goa'uld? Kritock."
O'Neill: "You heard me, I said kree!"
Daniel: "Jack?"
O'Neill: "Hey, guys. Makepeace, nice rescue. Good job."
Trofsky: "Silence!"
O'Neill: "Alright, listen up. There's something you should know before you start shootin' and killin' and ruinin' what could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Our beloved Hathor is dead."
Trofsky: "What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess!"
O'Neill: "Yeah, okay, ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more, she is...well, let's face it, she's a former queen."

Seth

O'Neill, about Seth being in one of 6 billion people on Earth: "Kinda gives 'needle in a haystack' a whole new meaning."

O'Neill: "AK-47s, a couple of UZIs, anyone think they observe the requisite 15-day waiting period for those weapons?"
Carter: "Sir, their sidearms." They're zat guns. "I think it's safe to say there's a Goa'uld there. And...that looks like a pair of 50 cals."
O'Neill: "Does the concept of overkill mean anything to anybody?"

Hamner: "Lower your weapons."
O'Neill: "I was wondering when you folks were going to show. We got bets. I say FBI, they say ATF."
Hamner: "Special Agent James Hamner, ATF."
O'Neill: "Damn."

O'Neill: "Somethin' I can do for you?"
Hamner: "You want to tell me what's going on?"
O'Neill: "Didn't you say you knew more than I do?"
Hamner: "Apparently not. I just got off the phone with the President."
O'Neill: "Of the United States of America? Sweet! How's he doing?"
Hamner: "He seems to have a thing for you."
O'Neill: "Yeah, well, you know..."
Hamner: "In fact, I am to issue you an emergency special agent credential. He's put you in charge of this operation."
O'Neill: "Excellent. My first order of business--get me one of those cool jackets. Extra large. Double XL if you've got it."

O'Neill, after the ride through the rings only to find himself being stared at by Seth: "I hate when that happens."

O'Neill: "So help me if I wake up and I'm singing soprano...."

Fair Game

Hammond: "Colonel. How are the briefings going?"
O'Neill: "I had no idea how exciting diplomacy could be, Sir."

Daniel: "Excuse me, sorry for interrupting. What just happened?"
O'Neill: "Well, apparently we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess."

O'Neill: "Oh, come on, give me something! Anything! I won't hold you to it, little head nod if there's another way around this!"
Thor: "It is your planet at stake. I believe you have it within you to make the right decision."
O'Neill: "Alright, send me back." Thor kinda sorta nods. "Wait! Ah! Right there, is that a head nod? A nod is usually down then back up. Your head went down...." The light surrounds him. "Wait! I'm..." He disappears.

Thor: "I have explained our position. To borrow from a human euphemism, it is not a perfect galaxy."
O'Neill: "I'm sorry, I get a little testy when faced with the total annihilation of our little corner of it."

Teal'c: "I did not attack Cronus."
Daniel:" Well, we believe you, Teal'c. I just don't think anyone else is going to."
O'Neill: "Certaintly not those lying, scheming, no good for nothing slimy overdressed..."
Carter: "Sir!"
O'Neill: "...style mongers."
Carter: "I'd like to try something."
O'Neill: "I wasn't finished."

Legacy

Daniel: "That sounds crazy, huh?"
O'Neill: "Mmm...yeah. You gotta admit there are some holes in your theory here."
Daniel: "Well it's a theory, not a proof."
O'Neill: "Why are you the only one who can see them? Why didn't they come through my closet...aside from the fact that yours is cleaner?"

O'Neill: "Alright, let's say for the sake of argument that it is the Stargate, a theory to which I do not ascribe. Then why don't we just put a little sign at the base of the ramp that says, 'Gate travel may be hazardous to your health.' I can live with that."

O'Neill: "I have a very calming effect on stressed-out people. How 'bout a game of gin?"
Daniel: "I'm not very good at gin."
O'Neill: "Good! Get the cards."

O'Neill: "I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS!!!"

Learning Curve

Kalan: "Both Merrin and I are eager to participate in this exchange between our worlds."
O'Neill: "Major Carter is eager as well. She's really looking forward to it. So is Teal'c."
Teal'c, not sounding particularly eager: "I will share my knowledge of the Goa'uld freely."
O'Neill: "Teal'c's eager on the inside."

O'Neill: "Okay. Daniel, have fun. I know you will. Teal'c, make friends as always. Folks, to Earth."

O'Neill: "So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert."
Merrin: "Yes."
O'Neill: "How old are you?"
Merrin: "I am eleven. How old are you?"
O'Neill: "So...Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert."

Merrin: "You aren't a scientist?"
O'Neill: "Oh...no."
Merrin: "Then you are not as smart as Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser."
O'Neill: "Well, it depends on what you mean by.... Okay, no, I'm not."

Merrin: "My nanoprocessors are harmless to you."
O'Neill: "Merrin, we've run into these little buggers before...and they're anything but harmless."
Carter: "We encountered a civilization in which the Goa'uld used a similar method, nanocytes, to accelerate the age of a population. Colonel O'Neill was...adversely affected."
O'Neill: "Oy."

O'Neill: "General, she's going back to get her brains sucked out...and I dare anybody to phrase it more delicately."

O'Neill, seeing one of the other student's paintings of him: "I look fat."

Hammond: "You've already given me more than enough reason for court martial."
O'Neill: "General, for a few hours today I got to show that little girl how to be a kid. If you want to punish me, go ahead."

O'Neill: "Hi, Merrin." She's busy drawing on the wall with a crayon and doesn't say anything. "Okay, I guess we'll just have to get to know one another all over again." He grabs a crayon and draws with her, but she scribbles his drawing out. "You're right. What was I thinking? You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favorite people. Some have tails, some don't." He draws a dog with a purple crayon. "Not a lot of purple dogs...."

Point of View

O'Neill: "Does anyone want to let me know what the hell's going on here?! Anyone?"

O'Neill: "Alright, so it's possible there's an alternate version of my self out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?"

O'Neill: "Ladies! Sams! We're all in this reality together."

O'Neill: "For all we know, you could be her evil twin. But...then we'd be dealing with clichés and you know how I feel about those..." He quickly clarifies himself, pointing to Carter, "No actually, you know how I feel about those."

O'Neill: "Look, you're dealing with a loss right now that I can't even begin to...what I mean is, maybe I'm not the right person to help you."
Samantha: "Yes! You are. You're the only one who can. Look, I know you well enough to know that you don't have a clue what to say. You don't have to say anything."
O'Neill, pulling her into a hug: "Come here."

O'Neill: "How are you doing with this...twin thing?"
Carter: "Do you have a couple of hours?"
O'Neill: "Okay."
Carter: "That...that was the answer."
O'Neill: "Oh! Oh."
Carter: "Good night, Sir."
O'Neill: "Good night, Major."

O'Neill: "Okay. Carter, download the program to the removable whatever it is and meet me and yourself in the lab."

Samantha: "Well, this is incredible. If the Asgard could design this to give the gate extra juice, then they're just the little green men we're looking for."
O'Neill: "They're gray, actually. Roswell gray to be exact."

O'Neill: "Alright, I gotta know."
Daniel, thinking he's talking about the mirror: "Yes, I'm about to activate it."
O'Neill: "No, no, not that. What the hell does kree mean?"
Daniel: "Well, actually, it means a lot of things. Ah, loosely translated it means attention, listen up, concentrate."
O'Neill: "Yoo hoo?"

Apophis: "Who are you? My First Prime killed you before my very eyes."
O'Neill: "I'm feeling much better, thank you."

O'Neill, about the Asgard: "Oh, come on, you gotta love those guys!"

Samantha: "This is hard. Good-bye for a second time."
O'Neill: "It's the first time."
Samantha: "It doesn't feel that way to me. You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice, same hands...."
O'Neill: "Which brings to mind an obvious question. How could you marry such a loser?"

Deadman Switch

Carter: "Sir, he's not Goa'uld."
O'Neill: "And? But? So? Therefore?"

O'Neill: "Teal'c? How fast will this unit fly?"
Teal'c: "I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light."
O'Neill: "Nice. Home for dinner."
Carter: "Sir, if you're thinking of stealing the ship and flying it back to Earth, I mean, even at 372,000 miles per second it would still take us at least ten years to get that far."
O'Neill: "Shoulda let the dog out."

O'Neill: "So you work for Sokar?"
Arris: "No."
O'Neill: "Self employed, then. Independent contractor. Rogue warrior?"
Arris: "I give the Goa'uld what they want and they give back to me what I want in return."
Carter: "How do you keep from getting killed?"
Arris: "It takes talents."
O'Neill: "So...how do you keep from getting killed?"

Arris: "And you, O'Neill, you're considered, well, you're a pain in the mikta."
O'Neill: "Neck?"
Teal'c: "No."

Arris: "My word is good on over 2,000 planets."
O'Neill: "There are billions."

O'Neill: "So, what exactly didja have in mind regarding the capture of this Goa'uld? What was his name? Kevlar?"
Arris: "Keltar. Well, you two are going to surrender to him."
O'Neill: "That's a bad plan."
 
Arris: "Look, do you want to know how I became the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy?"
O'Neill: "More than life itself."

Arris: "All you've got to do is get close enough to shoot him with a zat'nik'atel."
O'Neill: "Okay, found a flaw in your plan."
Arris: "What's that?"
O'Neill: "Well, we're exactly one zat gun short of actually having a zat gun."
Arris: "Zat gun."
O'Neill: "Drop the 'nik'atel.'"
Arris: "I guess it does save a bit of effort." He tosses Jack a gun.
O'Neill: "You're giving me a working zat gun."
Arris: "Well, if it didn't work, it wouldn't do you any good. I'm trusting you." O'Neill shrugs, then shoots Arris.
Daniel: "Jack, he said he disabled the DHD and Sam said we couldn't fly that ship all the way home."
O'Neill: "So we'll fly it to a closer planet with a Stargate."
Daniel: "Good thinking."
O'Neill: "It happens."

Daniel, as they reach the open field: "Well, this is the place."
O'Neill: "Yeah. How'd he open the door?"
Daniel: "Ah...it opened when he said that word."
O'Neill: "What was activated...what was that word?"
Daniel: "Ah, bark-something."
O'Neill: "Almond bark. Barcalounger. Beetlejuice."
Daniel: "Barkna. I think it was barkna."
O'Neill: "Well, if it was barkna, the door would be opening, wouldn't it?"
Daniel: "This was your idea."
O'Neill: "You're the linguist."
Daniel: "I don't remember."
O'Neill: "Well, try!"
Daniel: "Well, okay, I said can we talk about it, he said inside."
O'Neill: "I said inside what. He said...?"
Daniel: "Barokna!" The door opens.
O'Neill: "Gesundheit."

O'Neill, playing with Arris' headgear: "Wow. These are cool."

O'Neill, as Arris leads Daniel, Teal'c and Korra into the prison: "Oh, yeah, way to play hard to get, boys."

Demons

O'Neill: "Ah! Trees, trees...and more trees. What a wonderfully green universe we life in, eh?"

Teal'c: "Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?"
O'Neill: "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends."

O'Neill: "Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick."

O'Neill: "WAY TO GO, JUNIOR!!!"

O'Neill, about the crowd's amazement at seeing Teal'c alive: "You'd think these guys never saw a guy rise from the dead."

O'Neill: "Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him."

O'Neill: "So...how long you gonna keep this up? The demon bit? Don't get me wrong, it looks like a great gig. You've got the padre in your back pocket, the hours are good, probably get all the chicks."

Rules of Engagement

Kid: "Boy, are you guys gonna get it."
O'Neill: "Get what? From whom?"
Kid: "Hey, you can't talk!"
O'Neill: "Why not?"
Kid: "Because you're dead!"
O'Neill: "Dead?"
Kid: "Pretending to be dead will just get you into more trouble."
O'Neill: "More trouble than dead?"

Rogers: "You are all casualties until 1400 hours."
O'Neill: "Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?"

Rogers: "We have studied hard and long and know much."
Carter: "About Earth."
Rogers: "Oh, yes. Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America."
O'Neill: "And that information could save your life one day."

Teal'c: "This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. You may address the warriors."
O'Neill: "Apophis wanted me to tell you you've been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you that the whole inv