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First Aired On: January 28, 2000
Written By: Tor Alexander Valenza
Directed By: Peter DeLuise
Guest Stars: Dom DeLuise (Urgo/Togar), Teryl Rothery (Dr. Janet Fraiser), Nickolas Baric (SF Guard), Bill Nickolai (Technician)
Synopsis: SG-1 is looking at the MALP's video from P4X A81. It is a virtual paradise, complete with palm tree blowing in the wind. Hammond agrees to let SG-1 check the planet out as the site of a research colony, and off they go. They step through the gate, discussing the meaning of the word "chow," then suddenly find themselves back in the Gate room. They ask Hammond what just happened, he replies that they disappeared without a trace on the planet and have been gone for 15 hours. O...kay. We'll just cut to the opening credits.
SG-1 heads off to the infirmary, but Dr. Fraiser says there's nothing physically wrong with them. They just don't know what caused the missing time SG-1 experienced. Off they go to the debriefing room. Hammond tells them that, when SG-1 didn't return on schedule, they sent a second MALP through to look for them. Problem was, they didn't see any sign of the first MALP or of SG-1. Carter then shows them that the paradise image they'd received from the first MALP, playing it back screen by screen. Instead of the paradise screen, they see the interior of what appears to be a very advanced science lab. Aha, so someone tricked them into coming to the planet! It's right around this time that O'Neill et al decide to test the coffee...which turns out to be, in the words of Daniel, "Great." Teal'c drinks half a gallon of the really, really hot stuff straight out of the coffee pot...and Hammond, seeing this, insists that SG-1 stay on base until they figure out what's going on. At this point, I really can't blame him.
We cut to the commissary, where O'Neill is reading a report and has just started eating his pumpkin pie. He takes a bite, finds he loves it, and picks the whole thing off the plate. Elsewhere in the base, Carter is working on the MALP, but stops, leaving the room. Daniel, likewise, is reading at his desk (in the background is a picture of Sha're...aww....) and rises, heading out. Next we know, Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c enter the commissary and find that O'Neill has created a horde of practically all the dessert in the base on his table. They start eating, commenting that it's the best dessert they've ever had, then are called to the infirmary. They reluctantly leave the dessert behind.
Dr. Fraiser shows them their brain scans and points out a tiny dot in each of their brains. She is given a magnification of the dots in their brains, and they find that it's a device of some sort. She doesn't know how they got into SG-1's heads, although they are giving off a small amount of electromagnetic waves. Hammond decides to quarantine SG-1 until they figure out what's going on and how to safely remove the devices.
In the quarantine room, Carter's doing some reading, Daniel and Teal'c are playing chess, and O'Neill's playing a Game Boy. Out of the blue, they hear a voice telling them that what they're doing is boring. They conclude that none of them is saying this, and before they know it, a silly little guy named Urgo appears before them. Carter deduces that the devices in their heads are projecting an image of Urgo that they can see and hear and react to. He's the one who made their dessert taste so good, although he denies that he can force them to do anything. In other words, he's a piece of software used by his creators to explore the galaxy and collect data.
Skipping through some humorous but relatively pointless scenes (although I can't fail to mention my personal favorite line, Daniel innocently saying "Woof" <g>), Urgo claims that they won't be able to safely remove him from their heads. He insists that his creators are mean, terrible people who will kill SG-1 to retrieve their data about Earth. Dr. Fraiser successfully refrains from calling SG-1 all nuts. Carter declares that she might be able to turn Urgo off and Hammond tells her to try.
So Carter decides to try to create an EM pulse that will turn Urgo off and relieve SG-1 of his annoying presence. He protests and begs for mercy but they go ahead and do it anyway, and he vanishes. Yippee! It worked! Dr. Fraiser checks them out, says the electromagnetic field accompanying the devices in their brains is gone. O'Neill wants to get back to work, but Hammond tells him to give it a week.
Some time later, Fraiser is talking to Carter and asking how she's doing. She says she's fine, then Fraiser asks her if she'd like to accompany Cassandra and herself on a rowing expedition the next weekend. Carter says sure, then heads off to send Daniel up to Fraiser's office. As she's leaving, though, she spontaneously bursts into a round of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and soon, over the video cameras, Dr. Fraiser can hear that O'Neill, Daniel, and Teal'c have also burst into the same song. Curiouser and curiouser....
Guess who's behind this latest outbreak? None other than our long-lost friend, Urgo who's software has a reset button that turned him back on after a given amount of time. O'Neill's appropriately annoyed, and Hammond tells them that until Urgo's removed from their heads, they're relieved of active duty. The SGC cannot afford to have people running around with alien entities controlling them.
So SG-1 decides enough is enough and sends a message to the "paradise" planet where they received the brain implants. They tell the man who answers, Togar, that they discovered the devices and want Urgo out of their heads before they go nuts. He says there's an error with the program--Urgo's not supposed to be interacting with them--and, if they return to the planet, he'll remove Urgo forever.
Urgo's not very happy about this and is afraid his creator will destroy him once they get to the planet. Carter and Daniel probe Urgo a bit, then come to the conclusion that, well whadda ya know, Urgo might just be alive. He's self-aware and conscious, he can think independently, and he fears death; this, by any definition, constitutes life. Teal'c says this is like a Goa'uld, parasitical in nature and needing a "host" of sorts, but Carter counters that maybe it's actually like the Tok'ra. Just because someone or something is parasitical doesn't mean it has to be bad. Daniel and Carter now want to talk to Togar and see if they can convince him that Urgo is alive and find a way to save his life. O'Neill doesn't like it but back to the planet they go anyway.
Once they step through the Stargate, they're zapped to the science lab where they meet Togar who looks an awful lot like Urgo and is "as handsome as he is evil," according to Urgo. Togar tells them he'll destroy Urgo with no threat to SG-1's lives, but Carter and Daniel ask him to keep Urgo alive, explaining that he might be a technological evolution or miracle, not an error. It was an error that resulted in life. Daniel then suggests that Togar place Urgo in his own brain, something that Urgo does not want because he's convinced that Togar is mean and boring. In the end, though, both Togar and Urgo agree to do as Daniel suggests and he's removed from SG-1's lives forever. They head back to Earth, and, in a scene reminiscent of the scene immediately before the opening credits, they find that don't remember the past 10 hours on the planet while Urgo was being removed from their heads.
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Related Episodes:
Daniel Jackson's History/Linguistic/Mythology Lesson:
Sam Carter's Physics Lesson:
Important Stargate Information:
Alien Species/Background:
Important everyday life stuff we learn from Stargate:
Quotes:
Teal'c: "Appearances may be deceiving."
O'Neill: "One man's ceiling is another man's floor."
Daniel: "A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell."
O'Neill: "Never run with...scissors?"
Hammond: "Were you trying to make a point, Major?"
Carter: "Yes, Sir. We should perform a standard recon mission. Mineral and biological survey to determine if A84 is a viable site for a research colony."
Hammond: "Very well. You have a go."
O'Neill: "Mmmm...mineral survey. My favorite."
Hammond: "Colonel?"
O'Neill: "I know, General, it's all fun and games before someone breaks a nail."O'Neill: "Au revoir, mon General."
Teal'c: "I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Au revoir, it's French. It means ciao. Ciao means adios, auf Wiedersehen, sayonara, which all very loosely translated means..." they step through the gate and arrive back in the SGC, "...goodbye." (Editor's note: Special thanks to TnT, Sandra, and Margie for correcting my spelling on ciao and pointing out that auf Widersehen was German for Good-bye! <g>)Daniel: "Wow, this coffee's...great."
Carter: "I was just thinking that."
O'Neill: "Yeah, is that cinnamon?"
Daniel: "It's some kind of...it's chicory."
O'Neill: "Chicory." Teal'c picks up the pot of coffee and drinks the whole thing.
Carter: "Teal'c?"
Teal'c: "Ah."
O'Neill: "Isn't that hot?"
Teal'c: "Extremely."
Hammond: "Just...stay on the base. We're going to need to keep an eye on you for the time being."
Daniel: "I feel fine."
Teal'c: "As do I, Daniel Jackson."
Hammond: "For someone who just drank half a gallon of steaming hot coffee?"
O'Neill: "Right."Daniel, entering the cafeteria and seeing O'Neill sitting in front of a table covered with all kinds of desserts: "Hungry."
Carter: "Yeah."
O'Neill, eating yogurt: "Try the pie."
Carter: "So I'm running a full diagnostic on the MALP...wow."
O'Neill: "Oh, yeah."
Daniel, too cute with his mouth full of pumpkin pie: "This is the best pie I've ever had."
Carter: "Well what's so different about it?"
O'Neill: "Same old pie."
Teal'c: "It is most satisfying."
Carter: "Why does it taste so good?"
O'Neill: "I don't know. All I do know is I don't even like yogurt."Hammond: "Can these devices be removed?"
Fraiser: "Not without causing irreparable brain damage, Sir."
O'Neill: "What's the down side?"
Fraiser: "How they were implanted without any external marks or injury to the cortex is beyond me."
Hammond: "Can we determine what kind of threat they pose?"
O'Neill: "Well, apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger."Urgo: "Boring."
O'Neill: "Who said that?"
Daniel: "Wasn't me."
Urgo: "What do you say we all go do something?"
O'Neill: "Teal'c? Did you hear that?"
Teal'c: "I did."
O'Neill: "Who's there?"
Urgo: "Okay, I'll make it so that you can all see me, but only because you asked." Urgo appears. "You all can see me, right?"
Daniel: "Apparently."
Urgo: "Oh, good, I'm so glad. Hello, hello, hello. Now you all say it."
All: "Hello, Urgo."
Urgo: "Do you all know that you are all much better looking on the outside than you are on the inside? On the inside, it's so complicated."
O'Neill: "Airman? Could you come here?" The guard enters the room. "Do you see an intruder in this room anywhere?"
Airman, looking all around the room: "No, Sir."
O'Neill: "Right. Dismissed." Urgo laughs. "All right, what are you?"
Urgo: "Urgo."
Daniel: "Which might explain why we all just said, 'Hello, Urgo.'"
Urgo: "No, you're not dreaming."
Daniel: "You read our thoughts?"
Urgo: "Don't panic, just the thoughts you are having at the moment."
Carter: "Of course. You're actually in our heads, aren't you?"
Urgo: "You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you."
O'Neill: "Carter?"
Carter: "The technology implanted in our brains, Sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface, controlled hallucination."
O'Neill: "So...I...what?"
Urgo: "He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?"
Carter: "This is incredible. I mean, the devices must be linked somehow. Dr. Fraiser said they're emitting a small electromagnetic field, like...radio frequencies."
Daniel: "Are you saying the devices in our brains are some sort of wireless computer network?"
Carter: "Yeah, incredibly sophisticated one. Obviously able to work over significant distances. I mean, that's why we were all drawn to the commissary when Colonel O'Neill was eating dessert."
O'Neill: "He can make us do stuff?"
Urgo: "No, never, in spite of what you're thinking, never."
Carter: "But you can make suggestions, can't you? And enhance our sensory perceptions and experiences?"
Daniel: "Like making things taste better."
Urgo: "Oh, didn't it?"
Carter: "Well, why not? I mean, he's tapped into our brains, he's making us all see and hear him."
Urgo: "Boring. By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain. Please don't tell me that your whole planet is like this. Not the whole planet. Hey, couldn't we go someplace else that's not here? Someplace, you know, that's not here? Kree! Anywhere! Boring."Fraiser: "Okay, so what does he look like?"
O'Neill: "A famous tenor."
Urgo, pointing to some equipment: "What's this?"
Fraiser: "And you're seeing the exact same thing at the exact same time?"
Carter: "Yup."
Urgo: "What is this?"
Carter: "It's a defibrillator."
Urgo: "Ah, interesting. Thank you. Is it...defibrillating now?"
Carter: "He, ah, it seems to crave new experiences." Turns to Urgo. "You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people whose hearts are beating irregularly."
Urgo: "Ah, and then they feel better? Does it feel good?" Carter shakes her head. "Does it hurt?" Carter nods. "Woo! It hurts?!"
Daniel: "I would think so."
Urgo: "Let's try it!"
Daniel: "No, I don't...think so."
Urgo: "Why not? It's not going to kill you is it? Or is it?"
Fraiser: "It talks to you?"
Carter: "I think it's experiencing things through us using our senses to collect information."
Urgo, to Teal'c: "Try the paddles..." Teal'c gets up and walks over to the defibrillator.
Fraiser: "So, do you experience any...physical...symptoms..." Teal'c turns on the machine. "Hey!" She shuts it off.
O'Neill: "Teal'c!"
Urgo, to O'Neill: "Will you loosen up?!"
O'Neill: "Hey, I'm loose."
Carter: "Well, he doesn't have total control over us, just the power of suggestion."
Daniel: "He also seems to be able to enhance our enjoyment of certain experiences in order to motivate us."
Fraiser: "Really."
Teal'c: "He appears unresponsive to direct questioning."
Urgo: "No, no that's not true. Oh, I'm picking your brains, you can pick my brains. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Ask me. Ask me anything. What? What?"
Teal'c: "Tell us how to remove you from our brains."
Urgo: "Oh..." he makes a weird sound "...except that. Duh."
O'Neill: "You said anything."
Urgo: "Wait a minute, why do you want to remove me from your brains? Don't you understand I'm in your brains, I know you like me, what are you trying to...you can't fool me."
O'Neill: "No, Urgo, we don't like you."
Urgo: "Oh, admit it, tough guy, a smidgeon?"
O'Neill: "No smidgeon."
Urgo: "I wouldn't blame you, I have a lot of endearing qualities."
Teal'c: "He will not cooperate, O'Neill."
Urgo: "Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're going to say, 'Oooh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion?' Woof."
O'Neill: "Years from now?!"
Daniel: "Woof?"
Urgo: "There is no way to remove me from your brains. Forget about it."
O'Neill: "What are you doing in our brains in the first place?"
Urgo: "Well, ha ha ha, she got it. I'm here to learn, I'm here to experience your world."
Daniel: "So we've been tagged like we do with animals in the wild when we want to study them."
Teal'c: "We are not wild animals."
Urgo: "Speak for yourself, big fella."
Carter: "Hang on a second. The race who created you and put these things in our brains, they're going to want the information you're collecting at some point."
Urgo: "I suppose."
Carter: "So how do they get it?"
Urgo: "You don't want to know."
Carter: "Let's say I do."
Urgo: "Don't worry, you will never have to find out."
Carter: "Aren't you programmed? I mean, how can you defy your creators?"
Urgo: "Because they're evil. They're really scary, evil, and we don't want anything to do with them."
Daniel: "So maybe we can contact whoever created the technology...?"
Urgo: "That would be bad, very bad."
O'Neill: "Why should we listen to you?"
Urgo: "Okay, I know that you only like me a little bit, but I like you a lot and I do not want you to die."
Daniel: "Die?"
Urgo: "Yes, as in dead. They're going to kill you. They'll open your brains with a big, giant can opener, then scoop me out with a big scoopy thing...that's how it works, it's death or me. Me or death. You have to decide. Me, or death. Well?"
O'Neill: "We're thinking."O'Neill, to Urgo who is singing a really annoying "mememememe" song: "Will you stop it! Please." (Thanks to Helen for clearing up the "mememememe" song)
Hammond: "So this technology is living vicariously through you."
O'Neill: "I say we risk it all and go back to the planet."
Carter: "Well, what if he's telling the truth about his creators?"
O'Neill: "There's no way to get him out of us here, right?"
Urgo: "No, no way."
Fraiser: "No."
Urgo: "See, she knows."
Carter: "Maybe there's another way. I haven't had much time to study the technology, but I could at least try to find a way to turn him off."
Urgo: "Turn me off?!"
O'Neill: "Please."
Urgo: "You're wasting your time, it's impossible. Hey, I got an idea, why don't we play hide and seek? You hide and I'll, you know, seek...I'm not going to cheat because, you know, I have...." He covers his eyes and starts counting.
Hammond: "Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed."
Carter: "Thank you."Carter: "I don't have time to play, Urgo! ... I don't care if I'm 'it.'... Because I have work to do. ... No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill, I am very busy right now!"
Hammond: "Major?"
Carter: "I was...talking to Urgo, Sir."
Hammond: "I see."
Carter: "Oh, I wish you did."
Fraiser: "All right, Urgo, Major Carter would like to...."
Carter: "Janet, Janet, he's over here."
Fraiser: "Well, then, Urgo, Major Carter would very much like to be left alone."
Carter: "Janet, as much as I appreciate it, please. ... Urgo, that is rude."
Fraiser: "What did he say?!"
Carter: "Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." She walks away.
Hammond: "Doctor, are we entirely sure that the members of SG-1 are...what's the word?"
Fraiser: "Sane?"
Hammond: "That's the one."
Fraiser: "Yes, Sir. Remember, everything we hear or see is processed in the brain. Urgo is creating an image of himself that they're responding to, just as they would you or me."
Hammond: "If you say so."Urgo: "Way off. Not even close. Not a chance. Forget about it."
O'Neill, entering the lab: "Carter?"
Carter: "I believe I have a solution, Sir."
O'Neill: "Please."
Carter: "The electromagnetic field these devices generate indicate they're still based on electronic principles."
Urgo: "So smart and yet, so wrong."
Carter: "I don't think so. An EM pulse should do it, Sir." Urgo causes her to spill her tea on her hand, thus burning it.
Urgo: "Oooh."
Carter: "Urgo, that's hot!"
Urgo: "I didn't mean to."
Carter: "Yes, you did. Now stop it. The fact is, Sir, Urgo's been trying to distract me like this since I first started thinking about it so I'm probably on the right track."
Urgo: "I hope I didn't hurt you, I'm really sorry."
Carter: "I'll live."
Urgo, to O'Neill: "She forgives me."
Carter: "A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic based technologies. It would be harmless to us but it should render Urgo impotent."
Urgo: "Could you, ah, rephrase that?"
O'Neill: "Do it." Carter starts turning off machines.
Urgo: "Oh, please don't do this. Hey, listen, I didn't mean to stall you. I like you. I really really do. Ah, please, it was an accident."
Carter: "This room is shielded so it won't affect any of the base's technology."
Urgo: "Don't do this, please. What can I do to make you like me?"
O'Neill: "You're sure this won't hurt us."
Urgo: "No, it's going to hurt me."
Carter: "We won't even feel it."
Urgo: "But I will. I throw myself at your mercy. Please, have mercy. Whoo, I know, I can be smaller." He becomes smaller. "How's this? How can someone this teeny weeny hurt anybody? Wait, I can be dull, want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise. I want to watch golf on television."
O'Neill: "Will you just flip that switch?"
Urgo: "No. Oh, how about this?" He morphs into Peter DeLuise with slicked back hair, a uniform, and a big smile. "Can you resist this?" He changes back to himself. "Oh, don't do that, oh, sacre' bleu..." His image becomes kinda wavy. "I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world...what a world!" (Thanks again to Helen for clarifying 'sacre' bleu' for me! <g>)
Carter: "Pulse hasn't gone off yet, Urgo, it's on a timer."
Urgo: "Oh! How much time do I..." He disappears.
Daniel: "That's it?"
Carter: "Yup."
Teal'c: "I feel no differently."
O'Neill: "Listen." There's nothing. "Exactly."
Daniel: "Way to go, Sam."
Carter: "We'll see."O'Neill: "I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to Row Row...." Dr. Fraiser sticks in the tape of him singing. "Okay, if you call that singing. Urgo." Urgo reappears.
Urgo: "Couldn't help myself."
O'Neill: "No!" He places his head on the table.
Carter: "I was so sure it would work."
Urgo: "Oh, it did, don't feel bad. It did work for awhile. Everything went away, it was sad, very very sad. And then all of a sudden I was back in your brains where I belong."
Carter: "The system must have some kind of reset. I'm sorry."
Hammond: "I'm sorry too, because as long as that device is capable of influencing you in any way, you are relieved of active duty."
O'Neill, head still on the table: "Oh, General, is that really necessary?"
Hammond: "I believe it is. Whether you admit it or not, you've been compromised. The fact is, an alien entity has control over you, however limited. We don't know what he's capable of."
Carter: "Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want, Sir."
Fraiser: "Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?"
Urgo: "I didn't mean to."
Daniel, O'Neill, and Carter: "He didn't mean to."
Teal'c: "It was not his intention." Urgo gives Teal'c a thumbs up.
Hammond: "I trust I have made my point."
O'Neill: "C'mon, Urgo, be a Mensch, how do we get rid of you?" (Big thanks once again to Sandra for clearing up the word Mensch for me! <g>)
Urgo: "I have no idea. I really, I just don't know."
Carter: "He really may not know, Sir."
O'Neill: "How could he not know?!"
Carter: "Well, he's just a program."
O'Neill: "Program?"
Carter: "I'm just saying that your software doesn't know how your computer works."
O'Neill: "Hey! My software doesn't make me sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat'!"
Urgo: "Please! Please don't fight. I'm here, what's the difference how? Look, I'm not going to make another noise, not a peep, nothing. I'm going to be quiet like a little tiny mouse, not a peep, watch..." He starts laughing. "I got an idea! Why don't we play a game? Some sort of wonderful game? Something with a dictionary. It's so much fun, you know, you get a word and then you write what you think the word is, oh it's a lot of laughs and educational. It's really nice, I think you'll like it."Urgo, looking at the MALP on the monitor: "Oh, what's that?"
Carter: "Actually, it's our version of you."
Urgo: "But not as suave and sophisticated as moi."
Carter: "It's equipped with sensors, video cameras, a microphone. We use it to explore in much the same way you do, except...."
O'Neill: "Carter?"
Carter: "Sorry. I don't know why I was telling him that."
O'Neill: "Hello?"
Urgo, seeing the paradise on the monitor: "Oh, how beautiful! Can we go there?"
Carter: "It's an illusion. Your creators do this in order to lure people into their trap."
Urgo: "See, I told you they were mean. That's mean!"Hammond: "This is General Hammond of the planet Earth. We know the images being transmitted to us are false. We request a dialogue. Please respond."
Urgo, to Carter: "Why does he do that?"
Daniel: "We're trying to communicate with your creator."
Urgo: "No! Bad! No!"
Daniel: "It's our last alternative before we resort to actually going back there."
Urgo, to O'Neill: "You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui? With the big beaches and the little bikinis? Well, that's where we should go because it's very nice and warm there instead of being here."
Togar: "Who dares challenge Togar?"
Urgo: "That voice...that's him!"
Hammond: "Dr. Jackson?"
Daniel: "This is Dr. Daniel Jackson. We don't mean to challenge you. We've discovered the devices you implanted in our brains and we'd like you to remove them...him."
Togar: "Him?"
Daniel: "Urgo."
Togar: "How do you know this name?"
Daniel: "He told us. He interacts with us."
O'Neill: "He's driving us crazy!"
Togar: "That is an error. Return the subjects. Urgo will be removed."
O'Neill: "You heard the man."
Carter: "Sir, we could be risking our lives."
O'Neill: "Okay. Let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yappin' away in our heads?"
Urgo, to Carter: "Yes, say yes."
O'Neill: "Or do we take the risk and try to find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?"
Urgo: "No, say no."
Daniel: "Sorry, Urgo."
O'Neill: "That's good enough. Teal'c?"
Teal'c: "If we are to remain in the service of this world, Urgo must be removed."
Urgo: "Sam. Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving." He makes some weird noises. "'Member?"
Carter: "Yeah, I guess you do a little."
O'Neill: "Carter?"
Carter: "Sorry. I guess I say we go."
Hammond: "Then it's settled." Urgo starts to cry.Daniel: "What do you suppose Togar really meant by an error?"
Carter: "I suppose he meant Urgo wasn't supposed to be interacting with us."
Urgo: "Oh, please, please don't go. He's going to kill you, he really will. He's nasty and it'll be a painful and awful death. Honest. Okay, Okay, fine, he's going to kill me. You heard him. Oh, you people, for cryin' out loud, don't you have any feelings?"
Carter: "Do you?"
O'Neill: "Carter? Why do you humor him? He's obviously programmed for self-preservation."
Carter: "Sir, that voice, Togar, said this was an error. We're probably not even supposed to know he's here. You aren't supposed to be interacting with us, are you?"
Urgo: "Well, um, actually, when we first...then started to become f...technically, no."
Carter: "Can you describe how you're feeling right now?"
Urgo: "Me? Nervous, agitated, a little hungry."
Daniel: "Afraid?"
Urgo: "Oh, sure, okay."
Carter: "Of what?"
Urgo: "Oh, going away like last time, not experiencing, not being here with you."
Carter: "Of death?"
Urgo: "Oh, yeah, oh yeah. Sure. Big time. He's going to kill me. That's why the death thing keeps popping up."
Carter: "Sir?"
O'Neill: "Carter...."
Daniel: "Wait a minute, Jack."
O'Neill: "Daniel...."
Daniel: "By definition, what constitutes a sentient life form?"
Carter: "Self-awareness, consciousness...."
Urgo: "I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?"
Carter: "Ah, the ability to think independently."
Urgo: "I'm independent. I just, you know, like company."
Daniel: "Fear of death."
Urgo: "I got that too!"
O'Neill: "You're not going to convince me it's alive. Look." He waves his arm through Urgo. "He's not really here! He's here, in our heads."
Daniel: "There are plenty of life forms that require other life forms to live."
Teal'c: "Then you are a parasite, like the Goa'uld."
Urgo, mockingly: "A parasite, like Raoul."
Carter: "Or a Tok'ra. I mean, just being parasitical by nature doesn't make you inherently bad."
O'Neill: "It's a machine!"
Urgo: "That hurts."
Carter: "Sir, he's artificial intelligence, but just because somebody made him doesn't mean he isn't alive."
Urgo: "Listen to her!"
O'Neill: "So, what are you saying?"
Carter: "I'm saying we should consider it. I mean, maybe this error wasn't really an error at all but rather some...higher technological evolution. The birth of a whole new life form."
Daniel: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I agree with Sam."
O'Neill: "What?!"
Carter: "Well, Sir, it's just...."
O'Neill: "No! Hammond said it, we've been compromised. Now, we explain the situation to this Toga guy and we let him deal with Hugo once he's out of our heads."
Daniel: "Urgo."
O'Neill: "Urgo. Let's go."
Urgo: "Oh...I'm doomed."Urgo: "Oh, this is bad, this is very bad. Very bad." Togar enters, looking surprisingly like...Urgo.
Togar: "Do not move or I will render you unconscious! If necessary."
Daniel: "You're Togar?"
Togar: "Yes! Togar."
Urgo: "As handsome as he is evil."
Teal'c: "There is no reason to fear us."
Togar: "I fear you not." He closes the door.
Urgo: "Oh, he's a madman. He's an evil, terrible madman. Run for your lives!"
Togar: "I hear you. Be silent!"
O'Neill: "Wait, you hear him?"
Togar: "Yes. Hear and see."
Daniel: "Then you should be able to see that he's afraid."
Togar: "Relocate."
Urgo: "While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like to point out that when I call you madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way."
Togar: "Come. Come forward. Come forth. Stay." A strange creature appears in a glass container and a laser goes from its head to a nearby platform. On the platform appears a tiny chip. "Urgo is this. The specimen is unharmed, as you will be."
Daniel: "What about Urgo?"
Togar: "It will be destroyed."
Urgo: "See, oh what did I tell you? Oh please, please don't let him do this to me! Teal'c, help! Kree! Jaffa, give him a double jaffa jaffa cake! Go on!"
Carter: "The technology you mentioned is very advanced."
Togar: "Yes."
Urgo: "It's because they're all to scared to go and experiences things for themselves."
Togar: "Enough!"
Daniel: "Look, we're very grateful that you've willing to take Urgo out of our minds."
Carter: "The point is, we think Urgo may actually be alive."
Togar: "He is an error."
Carter: "Maybe he is, but another word for it may be...miracle."
Togar: "That is ridiculous."
Carter: "Well, what you call an error has somehow resulted in life. I mean, he's self-aware, he's acting and thinking independently, he's afraid of his own death.... By any definition, he's acting...alive."
O'Neill: "All we're saying is that maybe there's a way of doing this without killing him."
Togar: "There is not."
O'Neill: "Okay, had to ask."
Carter: "Well, there has to be some way, you created it."
Daniel: "You'd be killing something that you gave life."
Urgo: "Dad." There's a moment of silence while Daniel looks at Urgo. "That is a terrible idea. I'd rather die a painful and horrible death."
Daniel: "It was just a thought."
Urgo: "I wanna live. I wanna experience the universe and I wanna eat pie."
O'Neill: "Who doesn't?"
Togar: "Enough babbling, explain."
Daniel: "I was just thinking...maybe you'd want to put Urgo in you."
Urgo: "No! No, I don't wanna do that! I'd rather be in that thing with the eyes...no."
Togar: "The purpose of the technology is to observe and explore!"
Carter: "That technology is different now."
Daniel: "Look, we don't know you very well, but I get the distinct feeling that Urgo is everything you're not."
Urgo: "You could say that again."
Daniel: "But I think he's everything you wish you were. Outgoing, ah, adventuresome...."
O'Neill: "Annoying...."
Daniel: "Look, it would be the chance to change, to maybe experience some of the things you're afraid to do yourself."
Togar: "No! Not afraid."
Teal'c: "Why do you not explore worlds through the Stargate yourself?"
Togar, considering it: "It could help me learn how the error occurred."
Carter: "Then you'll do it."
Togar: "I could try."
Urgo: "Count me out, I don't wanna do it. He's mean and boring and, and, and, and...mean."
Daniel: "We're giving you a chance here. Him or death."
Urgo: "No, I..."
O'Neill: "Death or him."
Urgo: "Oh dear."
O'Neill: "Well?"
Urgo: "I'm thinking. He's so...so...."
O'Neill: "Mean?"
Urgo: "Yeah."
O'Neill: "Boring? So change him."
Urgo: "Me change him? Ha ha ha...okay I'll do it."
O'Neill: "Urgo thinks it's a great idea and I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence as much as we have."
Urgo: "See, I knew it! I knew you liked me. Ha, I was right!"
O'Neill: "Maybe...a little."
Urgo: "How 'bout a hug?"
O'Neill: "Don't push it."Togar: "I will return you to your planet now."
Daniel: "Wait, how do we know that Urgo's really alive?"
Urgo: "How do you know I'm here? Tell 'em, tell 'em!"
Togar: "I will, as soon as you're quiet."
Daniel and O'Neill: "He's alive."Urgo: "Oooh...I'm gonna miss them. Hey, I know, why don't we...?"
Togar: "No."
Urgo: "Why not?"
Togar: "No."
Urgo: "It's really fun and exciting."
Togar: "No."
Urgo: "Are you sure that we're thinking the same thing?"
Togar: "Positive."
Urgo: "Oh, but you don't know what you're missing!"
Pretense A Hundred Days
